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Teen Poetry #5
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Natural Selection
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Natural Selection |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg 
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Natural Selection The morning comes before the dawn Each petal forms of dew Yet rapids fire, still rushing on Denouncing what is new. A terror aches within my soul I'm young and growing old The bulk of Aphrodite's toll Is paid in bloodied gold. To right of her, a man of sorrow Withered as the wreath he held Asking, for to see tomorrow Dying as his dreams are fell'd. To left of her, a bane of merit Crested as a lion's pride Come rest with me, I long to share it, Look not 'cross to th'other side. Together we are two belonging Never will a doubt arise Love will conquer lust and longing None can hear the other's cries. Recognize, for you ignore him Leave him standing 'cross the Styx As he steps into the fires, Mind you what your force depicts? Will you mend his broken figure as it washes to the shore? Leave him, will your words configure, Now he's dust, and nothing more. And such dismissal ends a chapter Trust your choice, become his bride But let it dwell within your spirit Let the sorrow nest inside. He will hold your hand, and tell you I am yours, I serve your liege and fall beneath the slings that fell you, Not a sword can stop a seige. [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (07-30-2002 08:05 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Syneq Junior Member
since 2002-07-28
Posts 40 |
Excellent poem. would also make a good song Will you mend his broken figure as it washes to the shore? Leave him, will your words configure, Now he's dust, and nothing more. ~Syneq Disintegrated to materialize in reformed delight. |
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jave Junior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 18CO, USA |
Uh, wow. I love your word choice. This painted a beautiful picture; strange and even sad but beautiful nontheless. Thanks for sharing |
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NSnaomian Member
since 2002-07-22
Posts 232In my troll closet I be |
Woh, I really liked this and have read some of your others and my mind is still in awe! Great work and I am definately a fan. ~*Nao*~ |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
You have a nice way of organizing your thoughts. The wording was done well, and flow was quite good. I really enjoyed the following.. "Together we are two belonging Never will a doubt arise Love will conquer lust and longing None can hear the other's cries." Nice work, I look forward to further reading. ~Sky |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
wow!!! im your#1 fan,it would be an honor if you check out some of my work, you read 2 of them already and i really appreciate it. |
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mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
awesome imagery  |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Ahh, finally. Some true rhyming skills. I can't help but be jealous of you, oh Mr.Poe. Much like an envious broccoli. *cough* Anyways... "The bulk of Aphrodite's toll Is paid in blooded gold." -Don't know if it was just me, but the "blooded" part bothered me a tad. "Bloodied" or "bloody" might work better, but it's not a big deal. ^^ That's basically it. Nothing to say, as usual. Plot-line was extremely excellent. Quiet enjoyed it. ^_^ -Leah- |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Oh, thanks! That was really just a typo. It was meant to be "bloodied." |
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devil_tongue Member
since 2000-03-02
Posts 50 |
Boo!  Yes, yes...it's good, you know that. Rhyming - excellent but for me the meter was out. It could have just been the way I was reading it but in around the third stanza it seemed to go a little odd. Mind you, good poetry hasn't been around here in quite a while with the exception of the 'locals' so that could be it. My god! Peoples brains have been deprived of rhyme and meter! *sobs* enough of that. Now the imagery is fabulous, in particular: quote: I went wow at that (normal, really). Good choice of words and like leah said, extremely excellent plot-line. Well done, Brian. Me. |
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anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
oh I really loved this, had a really good flow to it and the imagery was really beautiful, have liked all the stuff I have read of yours but I like this one especially anya |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Local Parasite- Wow! This is excellent! You are a VERY talented writer, my friend. I really enjoyed reading this one. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Kandi Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354North of Hell |
This was absolutely beautiful Flowed very nicely The line "I am young and growing old" stood out to me for some reason. Excellent job here! K The day you were born, you were born free |
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Chel2082 Junior Member
since 2002-07-23
Posts 40Baltimore, MD |
Excellent piece of writing....you have this way with wordng things and using your imagination is beyond me. I love read your work. Keep it up. <3 Chel With GOD all things are possible...<3 CHEL |
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Jester Junior Member
since 2002-08-13
Posts 41The dark corners of your mind |
I'd like to let you here my little interpretation of this one... I felt that "woman" in your poem had some force of good, represented by the withering old man on her right, and also a force of evil, represented by the other on her left. Yet she chose the evil and was forced to live with the consequences, the old man dying, for the rest of her life. Not too sure but thats what I got out of it.... again.. you're a true poet... I really like reading all of your writing. I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal? |
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lambert New Member
since 2002-08-07
Posts 1 |
Talented and good looking, how could i go wrong! This is Anna not misses lambert.... You got what it takes......... Even though i have no idea what it was about i still liked, it's not your fault i'm daft. |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
You always where an excellent writer Brian. This only shows that more so. I loved the imagery and story line of this. Miss reading from you... t “A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.” |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
ey!!! thanks muchos forreading my works, im trying to change my style right now im trying to write a poem worthy for public consumption=) anyway you never fail to impress me. angel |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
This WAS a wonderful write. The beginning stanzas didn't flow as well for me as the following ones did, as they reached a natural cadence and I felt as if you were tripping the words out as fast as a Colorado stream come springtime... these images were marvelous, and the poem is a certified  |
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