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Teen Poetry #5
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anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113


0 posted 2002-07-29 01:56 AM



"christian"7/26-27/02

If you were this cigarette,
I would puff all
life out off you
'till you're nothing but ashes.

But here, now
it is this heart
that feels like
cigarette butt
squashed flat
on cold-muddy ground.
*this poem is for christian vasquez, i miss you, the old sweet and caring you, you may not say it but i feel you
slipping away and it hurts so bad.....

© Copyright 2002 anawnda - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
1 posted 2002-07-29 01:59 AM


Wow, this has a lot of intensity... it's cold and brief, kept concise... but has all of the impact it could have had if you'd drawn it out.  I think you did a great job of selectively writing this.

Also, I don't usually like poems that are titled the name of the subject character.  However, this one works... because the poem is a connection you make between the person and your reaction to the person - the name "Christian," and your definition of the name, through poetry.  Nicely done!

If you were this cigarette,
I would puff all
life out off you
'till you're nothing but ashes.


I really like the idea of, "if you were this cigarette."  Saying "this" really sets an image in the reader's mind, of the speaker standing there, holding a cigarette, and contemplating it...

It takes talent to change a poem into an image with a single word.  Kudos.

Parasite

anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

2 posted 2002-07-29 02:05 AM


thanks!!! i actually started writing this while i was smoking and it was kinda drizzling,it was on a friday.
there's this guy i went out w/. he seems to like me but i dont know, now he's kinda distant and busy. he's a model and actor here in our place. i dont know im sooo depressed and scared of losing him

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
3 posted 2002-07-29 02:09 AM


Oh come on, you're a poet.  Poets aren't scared of losing people   we just pen them something sweet and everything is alright again.

I think this calls for something in the way of a personal appeal.  Send him something, a gift maybe, who knows... don't do it in person... but get a poem to him.  Something like this, but less dark.

If you can get him to read something from you, he'll want to reply.  He will contact you.  Then he's all yours.  

Good luck.

anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

4 posted 2002-07-29 02:17 AM


ok ill send him this other poem for him can you check it out???? im gonna type it as a nother topic im gonna call it "vase of flowers, in watercolor" read it ok???? it'll be on the topics list when im done ill type it now. thanks!
anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

5 posted 2002-07-29 03:30 AM


ey need you comments
anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

6 posted 2002-07-29 03:30 AM


ey need you comments
Savage Quiescence
Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326
Wandering
7 posted 2002-07-30 12:14 PM


First off, I like your critique comment. As for the poem, great job at conveying the image. I look forward to reading more of your work.

~Sky

Kevin
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa
8 posted 2002-07-30 03:24 PM


I love the pictures i get in my head from this

The metaphor of your abused feelings represented by the discarded and weathered cigarette butt is excellent

good writing here
thanks
kev

Purple Poet On Wheels
Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 145
Pittsburgh/Edinboro, PA
9 posted 2002-07-30 06:49 PM


I like the use of an orignal metaphor

Spoon in spoon
Stirring my coffee
I thought of you
And turned to the gate
And on my way came up with the answers
I scratched my head
And the ans

Riley
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038
in the pouring rain
10 posted 2002-07-30 10:12 PM


I really liked this. A lot of, whats the word, expression. Its really good.


~*Riley*~

Better check that I'm about to upset
And I'm glad now so you better step back I'm taking over so watch me shine-Joanna Pacitti/Watch Me Shine

anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

11 posted 2002-08-02 09:51 AM


ey thanks so much you guys!!!!

* you can hurt me...with your bare hands,or
you can hurt me with the sharp edge of what you said.....* jewel kilcher

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