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"christian"
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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"christian" |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113
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"christian"7/26-27/02 If you were this cigarette, I would puff all life out off you 'till you're nothing but ashes. But here, now it is this heart that feels like cigarette butt squashed flat on cold-muddy ground. *this poem is for christian vasquez, i miss you, the old sweet and caring you, you may not say it but i feel you slipping away and it hurts so bad..... |
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| © Copyright 2002 anawnda - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Wow, this has a lot of intensity... it's cold and brief, kept concise... but has all of the impact it could have had if you'd drawn it out. I think you did a great job of selectively writing this. Also, I don't usually like poems that are titled the name of the subject character. However, this one works... because the poem is a connection you make between the person and your reaction to the person - the name "Christian," and your definition of the name, through poetry. Nicely done! If you were this cigarette, I would puff all life out off you 'till you're nothing but ashes. I really like the idea of, "if you were this cigarette." Saying "this" really sets an image in the reader's mind, of the speaker standing there, holding a cigarette, and contemplating it... It takes talent to change a poem into an image with a single word. Kudos. Parasite |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
thanks!!! i actually started writing this while i was smoking and it was kinda drizzling,it was on a friday. there's this guy i went out w/. he seems to like me but i dont know, now he's kinda distant and busy. he's a model and actor here in our place. i dont know im sooo depressed and scared of losing him |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Oh come on, you're a poet. Poets aren't scared of losing people  we just pen them something sweet and everything is alright again.I think this calls for something in the way of a personal appeal. Send him something, a gift maybe, who knows... don't do it in person... but get a poem to him. Something like this, but less dark. If you can get him to read something from you, he'll want to reply. He will contact you. Then he's all yours. Good luck. |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
ok ill send him this other poem for him can you check it out???? im gonna type it as a nother topic im gonna call it "vase of flowers, in watercolor" read it ok???? it'll be on the topics list when im done ill type it now. thanks! |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
ey need you comments |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
ey need you comments |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
First off, I like your critique comment. As for the poem, great job at conveying the image. I look forward to reading more of your work. ~Sky |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
I love the pictures i get in my head from this The metaphor of your abused feelings represented by the discarded and weathered cigarette butt is excellent good writing here thanks kev |
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Purple Poet On Wheels Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 145Pittsburgh/Edinboro, PA |
I like the use of an orignal metaphor Spoon in spoon |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
I really liked this. A lot of, whats the word, expression. Its really good. ~*Riley*~ Better check that I'm about to upset |
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anawnda Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113 |
ey thanks so much you guys!!!! * you can hurt me...with your bare hands,or |
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