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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2002-07-26 03:32 PM

The pencil still remains unsharpened.
May came unnoticed. In the yard,
The sprouts spread the verdant carpet
And all is stirring, but the heart.

There, on the grass, under the thickets,
Where you and I, once in the fall,
Hid from the rain, the restless crickets
Evoke your laughter in my soul.

I miss you dear -- your lustful smile,
And that imprudent, heedless gaze
That draws one further into guile
And leaves unsatisfied and dazed.

How many winters passed us by,
When verses kept the fire burning?
You came one night to say “good-bye,”
And left me early in the morning.

Since then, I have not heard a word.
I’ve searched for you with no avail,
And by the icons prayed the Lord
When all the rest appeared to fail.

And now I hear the mellow songs
Of nightingales in the evening
And all this beauty just prolongs
The day of solitude and grieving.

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

1 posted 2002-07-26 09:41 PM

The pencil still remains unsharpened. {What about My instead of the.  Just to make it more personal.  Just a thought.}
May came unnoticed. In the yard, {I love the May came unnoticed.  I think you should just take that concept and run with it.  But I am a strange one...}
The sprouts spread the verdant carpet {Now who is your target audience?  Are they going to digest verdant easily?  It's just something to keep in mind as you write.}
And all is stirring, but the heart.

There, on the grass, under the thickets, {It isn't forced blatantly, but I do see that thickets may have been used for the soul purpose of the rhyme.  Although to your benefit you have stayed away from inverted sentences.}
Where you and I, once in the fall,
Hid from the rain, the restless crickets
Evoke your laughter in my soul. {Okay I tripped up a bit here.  Are the crickets now evoking laughter in your soul?  It's worded a little awkwardly here I think.}

I miss you dear -- your lustful smile, {Glad to see the dash stands alone.}
And that imprudent, heedless gaze {I think you could eliminate And without ruining the flow.}
That draws one further into guile
And leaves unsatisfied and dazed. {The gaze leaves unsatisfied?  Can a gaze even do that?}

How many winters passed us by,
When verses kept the fire burning?
You came one night to say “good-bye,” {Are the quotations really needed?  I think for the look of it you could probably go without them.  I think with the say before it eliminates the need to have them.  But I could be wrong.}
And left me early in the morning.

Since then, I have not heard a word.
I’ve searched for you with no avail, {I know avail rhymes here, but no avail is used so much, it might be wise to try and find a different line for that.}
And by the icons prayed the Lord
When all the rest appeared to fail.

And now I hear the mellow songs
Of nightingales in the evening
And all this beauty just prolongs
The day of solitude and grieving. {I think, no I know, that you can come up with a killer end line here.  This just leaves me wanting some concrete statement that makes it all clear.}

Nice job.

Casey

If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see...

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

2 posted 2002-07-26 10:36 PM

Thanks for the suggestions.

I think "the pencil" works because it echoes "the heart" at the end of the stanza. I could change them both to "my" but I don't see what that would really accomplish.

Being a rhymer, the first thing I try to avoid is inverted sentences. I see what you mean with "thickets" sounding a bit forced.
To clear up that line: The crickets reminded the speaker of her (whoever she may be) laughter. I can see that it's a bit confusing. I'll see what I can do with that stanza.

I think that an "imprudent, heedless gaze that draws one further into guile" could definitely leave someone unsatisfied and dazed. I disagree with you on that one.

As you can probably tell from my previous works, I'm definitely big on powerful endings/killer lines. However, I think this poems works well without one. I want to capture the tedium and hopelessness of melancholy and I think that a power ending would only ruin it. But I might be wrong. I'd like to hear some more feedback from others on this one.

Thanks Casey. Even though I'm not big on free verse, I'd like to see more of your work, so keep posting. Later.

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

3 posted 2002-07-28 03:35 PM

i liked the poem just the way it was. good write.

~Ultimately, we are all dead~Proximo

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