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Teen Poetry #5
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I'd Give It All Away
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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I'd Give It All Away |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
For you my heart cries, after what you told me, I look in your eyes, and I like what I see. Then I realize, I'd give it all away, just to hold you, To have you one day. give it all away.. Confusing what's real, this lack of self control, I can't stop the way I feel, You make me feel whole. Then I realize, I'd give it all away, just to hold you, To have you one day. give it all away.. I know I'm not alone, when I'm with you, these feelings seep in my bones, and I know you feel them too. Then I realize, I'd give it all away, just to hold you, To have you one day. give it all away......... ~i kept the right ones out and let the wrong ones in~ Aerosmith~ |
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| © Copyright 2002 Staci Weidner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I could be wrong, but many of the lines in here I have heard in songs. Or at least lines that sound almost exactly like them. Also the punctuation is incorrect. Casey |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
no there isnt any lines from songs...not that i know of...this is off the top of my head, and where is the punctuation incorrect? wait on second thought, i really dont care ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP [This message has been edited by Spine Grinder (07-23-2002 04:48 PM).] |
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Punk Angel Member
since 2001-07-25
Posts 66Pennsylvania, US |
Staci, i think the poem is great, maybe i judged chimpmunk too fast, n casy or w/e ur name is, i forgot, who cares about the stupid poncuation? the reply thing is to comment on the POEM, not how its written, n it dont really amtter WHERE she gets her insperation, she isnt copying the song is she? so GET OVER IT! lylas stac~kris |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
When something is cliche and has been said better in dozens of other places, it does matter. Poetry isn't simply about saying "Wow I can relate," it is about improving as a poet. Unless of course you aren't really a poet. Either way. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
poetry isnt about "improving as a poet" casey, this may be wut YOU think, but not wut other people think. so believe wut u want, but...i'm not listening ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Oh but you are listening, and you are going to read this. I believe we both know that one. I hope other poets realize that commenting on your work is pointless. All you want is an ego boost, and you should go get that from your family or friends. Poetry is about improvement. But what you have written here isn't really poetry, so I guess it all works out then. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Chel2082 Junior Member
since 2002-07-23
Posts 40Baltimore, MD |
I liked this piece...I may be wrong, but I am not sure that the punction is really that big of a deal...I believe it's how the poet feels when they are writing. Keep up the great work. <3 Chel With GOD all things are possible...<3 CHEL |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
hi all...i just had to get in on this. im pretty sure that clve didnt mean anything by her remarks. i dont believe the intentions were nasty. she was just giving his honest opinion. but then again, critique opinions are better left in that forum. [This message has been edited by Permiabilities (07-24-2002 03:51 PM).] |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
I really liked this. Good write. ~*Riley*~ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before-Edgar Allen Poe |
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miriam Member
since 1999-08-26
Posts 323glendale,ca. |
I have something to say...I am no longer a teenager, I'm actually a little older. I like to visit the teen poetry because I think you guys are full of energy and poems are real life situations most of the time. I have been with PIP for a long time now, I guess you can call me a veteran. I did all the "i love you" and the "i hate you" poems when I was your age as well. I think I've been in every forum in this website and I know my way around. This poem whether it has some lyrics, or whether it came out of your own inspiration is yours to call. I think it's beautiful and I encourage you to keep on writing. Every poet (because that's what you are) has a "brain fart!!" a little pest. This other person that keeps putting you down is your "brain fart" DO NOT let her get to you. It's something that we all go through. And for this Staci girl, there is a critical analysis section where you can go and complain all you want. Enough time wasted on you. miriam coronado |
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NSnaomian Member
since 2002-07-22
Posts 232In my troll closet I be |
I really enjoyed this and as a new writer I like your style with this one. was a great read! |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Get my name right or don't use it. That is just plain rude to do, and I think at any age you should know that. Also I can't believe that everyone on this site is so against improvement. So they are teenagers, why should we expect any less? You shouldn't. And besides, if you use lines that have already been written, it makes for a boring poem. And if no one here can see what real poetry is, then poetry is worse off than I thought. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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miriam Member
since 1999-08-26
Posts 323glendale,ca. |
By what I read you aren't a teenager either, I somewhat understand what you are saying, but I just simply think that there is a better way of saying what you said. No improvement isn't bad, but do you think your comment was meant for someone to improve or to just simply criticize?? If you meant it for improvement, then maybe you should be the one taking some type of writing classes because the way you expressed yourself was wrong. Were here as a family and to help each other. By the looks of it you only have 55 posts...only 55 posts and you think you're a poet?? miriam coronado |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
miriam-thank u, i dont see where she comes off saying she's a poet...i may have posted more poems, but i dont call myself a poet...not really, and anyways, i didnt ask 4 this poem 2 turn into a jerry springer episode so this can just stop now, i'd appreciate it, thanks~  ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP [This message has been edited by Spine Grinder (07-24-2002 06:49 PM).] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
55 posts here. I have been at FAR better sites for much longer. And I am a teenager. And, you know what, I am more of a poet than the kids here that say that all they want are people to drool over there work. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-24-2002 07:14 PM).] |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
Casey, u used the wrong form of THERE, its THEIR! and if u dont like it here THEN LEAVE, cuz i wont miss u thats 4 sure  ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP |
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miriam Member
since 1999-08-26
Posts 323glendale,ca. |
"So they are teenagers" wouldn't you say "So WE are teenagers" PROOF READ!!! miriam coronado |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I am not the one that is holding myself under a ridiculously low expectation, thanks. I am a teenager, and I expect more from myself than they do. And, frankly, more than you expect of them either. So I will keep myself out of the lump Teenager category. As long as that title exists and is used with poetry, poets will never improve here. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-24-2002 07:58 PM).] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Well since you have the capacity to understand the difference between Their and There, than why not go learn how to punctuate real poetry correctly. And while you’re at it learn what poetry is. Read some books about it and see what happens. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
hmmm hostile minds |
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Staci, i think this was a great poem..and i enjoyed it!  But i dont think anyone should be fighting..i dont have many poems posted myself..i write poems usually when i am feeling down or have a strong feeling about something and want to get it out. I dont think im a very good at writing poetry..but thats not the point! we are teenagers and should try to act like young adults and stop this childish and pointless arguing! ~Jess~*~I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~*~ |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
whose arguing? we just have strong opinions on things, and we're expressing them... ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP |
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