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Teen Poetry #5

Whenever

Hallucination
Member

since 2001-03-18

Posts 419

0 posted 2002-07-22 02:08 AM

When in one day filled with frawn
It feels like you're getting years older,
When the pain is pouring down
And feels like neatles on your shoulder.
Turn to me and take my hand
For I want to be your safety net,
I will be the simple man
Who'll wipe away the sad tears you shed.

Whenever your dream crash
I'll build you a new one,
Whenever life get's dark
I'll be your shinning sun.
Whenever you can't see
Then I will be your eyes,
Whenever you feel down
I'll be your rainbow skies.

Whenever,whatever,wherever,whenever....

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

1 posted 2002-07-22 02:24 AM

a few things:

frawn? [no such word to either my knowledge, or merriam webster's]

needles [not neatles]

whenever your dream crash [you need to either convert dream or crash into plural form]

shining [not shinning]

and just curious, did you deliberately repeat whenever in the last line? or is it purely accidental?

/jen/

so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

2 posted 2002-07-23 11:52 AM

nice poem. I would suggest you pick up on those suggestion. Great idea for the poem though.

Ronil (A mask for everyday. Imagine a life without them.)

Chel2082
Junior Member

since 2002-07-23

Posts 40
Baltimore, MD

3 posted 2002-07-23 03:05 PM

it is a good poem, but I would also have to agree that you should check the spellings of some words...but it was a good poem...<3 Chel

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