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Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

0 posted 2002-07-18 10:17 AM

Malice repeats in a blaze, the valiant
On horseback, the lesser on slave-side,
And you ride atop the height of the sea.
Bravo! You've churned the waves
so high, now even cranes cannot escape.

You'll miss their flight--we learned it
Someday back down. One will come back.
But you'll kiss the waves and make them rise,
Too wisely seizing common breath.
She'll drown, and we upon the shore
Will drag her corpse and mourn for you,
The rider left, who rights his own.

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

1 posted 2002-07-18 10:47 AM

I'm sorry that I have to go against your critique message, but...I liked it!

Your imagery was beautiful. Although the format was different then what we usually see here, it was a welcome change.

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

2 posted 2002-07-18 12:38 PM

I know that it is all a matter of preference, but I think this may have a better appearance if each line wasn't capitalized.  But that's just my thought.

Malice repeats in a blaze, the valiant
On horseback, the lesser on slave-side,
And you ride atop the height of the sea.
Bravo!  You've churned the waves
so high, now even cranes cannot escape. {I like this line, shows a lot more talent than I have seen yet on this website.}

You'll miss their flight--we learned it
Someday back down.  One will come back. {Okay, I am not quite sure but a comma instead of a period after down.  But I am entirely unsure.}
But you'll kiss the waves and make them rise,
Too wisely seizing common breath.
She'll drown, and we upon the shore
Will drag her corpse and mourn for you,
The rider left, who rights his own.

I'll be honest, this isn't a style I usually enjoy.  But this shows an appreciation for the craft that I have yet to see on this web site.  I will definetly enjoy reading more of your work.

Casey

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- T. S. Eliot

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

3 posted 2002-07-18 05:47 PM

This is such a wonderful peice, I really enjoyed reading this Carly, hope to see a lot more of your work in the near future

Andrew

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

4 posted 2002-07-19 09:34 AM

LCBS ~ I guess I can accept your reply.

Thank you.

Casey ~ Hmm..there was a point to me capitalizing but I suppose the looks matter too, eh? I'll take that into consideration when I revise. The ending sentence in the second line, second stanza is just that--two separate concepts that deserve their own sentences. Related yet not related enough. Thanks for the praise.

Zu ~ It's ZUUUUU!!! *hugs* I've missed you! It's reeeally nice to see you.

I'll be looking for your work as well.

~Carly

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
~David Borenstein

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