Teen Poetry #5 |
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Always You |
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Jenabou Member
since 2000-06-13
Posts 215Oklahoma/Nova Scotia Canada/USA ![]() |
I sit there, inhaling your appeal While you effortlessly strum your guitar melting my heart with every chord you play,with all that you are The words you sing, I know them all by heart Everything you are, is all I've wanted from the start Like the missing piece of my jigsaw being This perfection inside of you,infront of me all along,never seeing Everything wrong in my life disapears in your arms wrapped so close to you,hopes replace my fears Next to you,lost in your eyes,it's where I want to spend the rest of my life It's always been about you,it always will be Im just sorry it took me so long to see... |
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© Copyright 2002 Jenna-Nicole Boutilier - All Rights Reserved | |||
clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I sit there, inhaling your appeal {I think you can eliminate there, thus making the comma unneeded.} While you effortlessly strum your guitar{comma here} melting my heart with every chord you play,with all that you are {A period after play could work, and then you could remove ‘with all that you are.’ because I think it’s unneeded.} The words you sing, I know them all by heart {Okay I see the rhyme scheme (sorta) but I think that this would benefit by writing it in its intended order… ‘I know your words by heart,’ which is simply a suggestion. I think this line is a little wordy.} Everything you are, is all I've wanted from the start {I think from the start is bordering on cliché. So you could remove it without taking away from the piece. Also eliminate the comma after are.} Like the missing piece of my jigsaw being {I’m confused with the next few lines. I think your rhyme scheme has cornered what you are trying to say. I think you could eliminate the next line, and word this line like: You are the missing piece of my jigsaw being, with you all that is wrong disappears} This perfection inside of you,infront of me all along,never seeing{You could eliminate this line, or not either way.} Everything wrong in my life disapears {With you in front of everything would work well. And it’s disappears.} in your arms wrapped so close to you,hopes replace my fears {I think you could eliminate my, or not. I think it works with way. Also a space after you. And a period after fears.} Next to you,lost in your eyes,it's where I want to spend the rest of my life {Lost in your eyes is a cliché. Try a new way of saying things.} It's always been about you,it always will be {I think you could have this line read ‘It’s always about you,} Im just sorry it took me so long to see... {A period instead of the ellipse. And an apostrophe after I.} Nice job, although I think with some cleaning up this could be even better. I can understand if you are not a fan of punctuation in poetry, but I think this piece will benefit from it. Also all suggestions, are just that, I am not saying my way is the right way. I just see the poem being tighter if it were changed a little. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
This is an interresting way of dealing with a subject. but none the less, good. I like the emotion in it. Best Wishes, Brian. |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
Aloha, I really really liked this poem. It was awesome..Good work! *~erin~* "Is there a line that I could write that's sad enough to make you cry?"-Gin Blossoms |
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