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Teen Poetry #5
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. . . Dawn . . .
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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. . . Dawn . . . |
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songsoftheaftermath Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84a world of disarray |
Dawn Lay the sweet sunset flowers Upon the shallow grave of your thoughts Step away and reclaim yourself within Your timeless winter-born high. Spread your buttery soft smile Across the still waters of your face And watch the ripples take to The starched corners of your eyes. Run the antique rake through Your idle thoughts and false candied hopes And watch them crackle as they Burn quickly into a stale yesterday. Peel away your lizards skin to Disclose a world full of right angles Of looming faces waiting to bask In the new light that clothes you.  could the darkness be my friend? |
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| © Copyright 2002 Profanity's Dream - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ericaisamonkey Member
since 2002-04-04
Posts 51A little town north of nowhere |
wow. when you first read it, its like it could possibly be about a girl named Dawn, or Dawn as in sunrise. Very nice, i like the way you described the smile and all. "Spread your buttery soft smile Across the still waters of your face And watch the ripples take to The starched corners of your eyes." that really makes me think of a woman possibly, but i read through it a few times and still couldn't decide. but the picture was very nice! great job, i'll look for more of your stuff.  *Erica* [This message has been edited by ericaisamonkey (06-19-2002 09:40 PM).] |
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ericaisamonkey Member
since 2002-04-04
Posts 51A little town north of nowhere |
i almost forgot, welcome to passions. i noticed this is your first post, but you have a lot of talen as a writer. i'm jealous. lol. keep it up, and keep posting! WELCOME TO PASSIONS *Erica* |
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BrokenAngel Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 141Puryear, TN, USA |
This one left me thinking, I loved it. Wonderful way to enter Passions. Keep it up, I'll be looking for more of your work. ~*~*~Night Angel~*~*~ [This message has been edited by BrokenAngel (06-19-2002 10:51 PM).] |
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my3monkeytoes Member
since 2002-05-11
Posts 152In the Carolina Breeze |
Simply lovely writing! ~SM |
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tzaddiqim Junior Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 15 |
This is beautiful. Poetry is written word in its purest form, you've accomplished that! Brett |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Very pretty. I saw it as being about a 'dawn' in mentality, but it seems like there were mixed feelings on that from other poets. Doesn't matter which way you want to take it as long as it goes somewhere. [Jaime] "I think I would like to call myself 'the girl who wanted to be God'." Sylvia Plath [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (06-20-2002 07:47 PM).] |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Firstly, welcome to PIP! ^^ And I have to say, this is an impressive first post. The imagery is very beautiful. The tone is quite soft throughout, where even: "Run the antique rake through Your idle thoughts and false candied hopes And watch them crackle as they Burn quickly into a stale yesterday." takes on a disguise which hides the harshness of the last two lines. Your use of metaphors also contributes to the tone, and that is also very well done. Thanks for sharing! Hope to see more! Leah |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
SOAM---this is an excellent peice of work! It's even blown the water out of many of the ol'vets around here! It's nice to see such stunning and fresh work! I'll be ever so interested to see some more work of yours in the future! Keep up the GREAT pace! |
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cutiepiesugarbabie Member
since 2002-06-07
Posts 110A Cloud In the Sky |
great pictures....'mind's eye'  o*~Everyone makes mistakes-get over them and make more tomorrow!~*o |
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songsoftheaftermath Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84a world of disarray |
Erica: thanks for your comments. actually i never meant it to be about a girl named Dawn. sorry i confused you on that- but i liked the way you interpreted it that way...gave me a nice insight into your psyche. thanks for the warm welcome too...it felt nice  Broken angel: im glad this made you think...thanks for the welcome. SM: Thanks! Brett: i guess poetry would be useless if it wasnt the written word at its purest  . thanks for your comment- its much appreciated.Jaime: You hit the nail on the head chikita. it is a dawn in mentality. i was at a point in my life where i was learning to let go of dark thoughts that i kept ressurecting to help me feel depressed...i was sick of it so i went through a mental burial of those thoughts. Dawn is actually the ending of a three poem series...where i finally let go. thanks for reading deeper into this- makes me feel as though im not all that alone in the world. thanks again. le-uh: MOOOO!!  thanks chicka..it kinda is a nice/soft poem. i dont think i could make it harsh in any way even if i wanted to. oh well...thanks for reading and commenting. Alex: Thanks for your comments! they mean a lot- a heck of a lot. thank you. Cutie: i think you got the jist of the poem as well. thanks for reading and commenting  could the darkness be my friend? |
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