navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » . . . Dawn . . .
Teen Poetry #5
Post A Reply Post New Topic . . . Dawn . . . Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
songsoftheaftermath
Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84
a world of disarray

0 posted 2002-06-19 09:10 PM



Dawn


Lay the sweet sunset flowers
Upon the shallow grave of your thoughts
Step away and reclaim yourself within
Your timeless winter-born high.

Spread your buttery soft smile
Across the still waters of your face
And watch the ripples take to
The starched corners of your eyes.

Run the antique rake through
Your idle thoughts and false candied hopes
And watch them crackle as they
Burn quickly into a stale yesterday.

Peel away your lizards skin to
Disclose a world full of right angles
Of looming faces waiting to bask
In the new light that clothes you.  





could the darkness be my friend?

© Copyright 2002 Profanity's Dream - All Rights Reserved
ericaisamonkey
Member
since 2002-04-04
Posts 51
A little town north of nowhere
1 posted 2002-06-19 09:39 PM


wow.  when you first read it, its like it could possibly be about a girl named Dawn, or Dawn as in sunrise.  Very nice, i like the way you described the smile and all.

"Spread your buttery soft smile
Across the still waters of your face        
And watch the ripples take to
The starched corners of your eyes."

that really makes me think of a  woman possibly, but i read through it a few times and still couldn't decide. but the picture was very nice! great job, i'll look for more of your stuff.  




*Erica*

[This message has been edited by ericaisamonkey (06-19-2002 09:40 PM).]

ericaisamonkey
Member
since 2002-04-04
Posts 51
A little town north of nowhere
2 posted 2002-06-19 09:42 PM


i almost forgot, welcome to passions. i noticed this is your first post, but you have a lot of talen as a writer. i'm jealous. lol. keep it up, and keep posting!

WELCOME TO PASSIONS

*Erica*

BrokenAngel
Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 141
Puryear, TN, USA
3 posted 2002-06-19 10:49 PM


This one left me thinking, I loved it.  Wonderful way to enter Passions.  Keep it up, I'll be looking for more of your work.

~*~*~Night Angel~*~*~

[This message has been edited by BrokenAngel (06-19-2002 10:51 PM).]

my3monkeytoes
Member
since 2002-05-11
Posts 152
In the Carolina Breeze
4 posted 2002-06-19 10:58 PM


Simply lovely writing!

~SM

tzaddiqim
Junior Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 15

5 posted 2002-06-20 01:32 PM


This is beautiful.

Poetry is written word in its purest form, you've accomplished that!

Brett

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258
meet Morgana
6 posted 2002-06-20 07:44 PM


Very pretty. I saw it as being about a 'dawn' in mentality, but it seems like there were mixed feelings on that from other poets. Doesn't matter which way you want to take it as long as it goes somewhere.

[Jaime]

"I think I would like to call myself 'the girl who wanted to be God'." Sylvia Plath


[This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (06-20-2002 07:47 PM).]

chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
7 posted 2002-06-21 02:41 PM


songsoftheaftermath-

Firstly, welcome to PIP! ^^ And I have to say, this is an impressive first post.

The imagery is very beautiful. The tone is quite soft throughout, where even:

"Run the antique rake through
Your idle thoughts and false candied hopes
And watch them crackle as they
Burn quickly into a stale yesterday."


takes on a disguise which hides the harshness of the last two lines.

Your use of metaphors also contributes to the tone, and that is also very well done.

Thanks for sharing! Hope to see more!


Leah


Android 17
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
8 posted 2002-06-22 03:17 AM


SOAM---this is an excellent peice of work! It's even blown the water out of many of the ol'vets around here! It's nice to see such stunning and fresh work! I'll be ever so interested to see some more work of yours in the future! Keep up the GREAT pace!
cutiepiesugarbabie
Member
since 2002-06-07
Posts 110
A Cloud In the Sky
9 posted 2002-06-24 12:05 PM


great pictures....'mind's eye'

o*~Everyone makes mistakes-get over them and make more tomorrow!~*o

songsoftheaftermath
Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84
a world of disarray
10 posted 2002-06-26 04:40 AM


Erica:
thanks for your comments. actually i never meant it to be about a girl named Dawn. sorry i confused you on that- but i liked the way you interpreted it that way...gave me a nice insight into your psyche.
thanks for the warm welcome too...it felt nice

Broken angel:
im glad this made you think...thanks for the welcome.

SM:
Thanks!

Brett:
i guess poetry would be useless if it wasnt the written word at its purest . thanks for your comment- its much appreciated.

Jaime:
You hit the nail on the head chikita. it is a dawn in mentality. i was at a point in my life where i was learning to let go of dark thoughts that i kept ressurecting to help me feel depressed...i was sick of it so i went through a mental burial of those thoughts. Dawn is actually the ending of a three poem series...where i finally let go.
thanks for reading deeper into this- makes me feel as though im not all that alone in the world. thanks again.

le-uh:
MOOOO!! thanks chicka..it kinda is a nice/soft poem. i dont think i could make it harsh in any way even if i wanted to. oh well...thanks for reading and commenting.

Alex:
Thanks for your comments! they mean a lot- a heck of a lot. thank you.

Cutie:
i think you got the jist of the poem as well. thanks for reading and commenting

could the darkness be my friend?

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » . . . Dawn . . .

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary