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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Im back |
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lil_pwheeler Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 39here |
A group of men lost and confused We didnt know each other Who could know that one day These strangers would become brothers Running through the hot days sun No water to cool us, we fall Sergant yells dont you help him men Or you'll run pack and all Could I have a cigarette I need to clear my mind The pressure is too much for me Why didnt I just have stay home and be left behind The private next to me is shaking With a steady trickle down his leg I tell him dont worry your gonna make it Dont leave me friend he begs I feel the bullets flying by The boat to my right just fell As we hit the beach the gate drops I think God this is Hell I grab his shoulder and push him out We dive into a hole Though the battles hardly started Its already taken its toll I push myself up and return the fire Then I duck back down As I look down next to me I see a bullet has pierced his crown I scream medic, medic Hes says dont waste your breath, im gone dont bother He coughs thanks for staying with me His head falls as he says Ill be waiting Brother One day I intend to test him on his promise Not right now though I dont intend on on dying Some day I will see you friend But for now Ill keep on fighting Yeah Ive returned people. I wrote this while watching band of brothers cuz I was bored. [This message has been edited by lil_pwheeler (06-04-2002 06:50 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Pat - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I found it a bit choppy. Kind of all over the place. When somebody speaks you don't put quotations to let the reader know, and the lack of correct grammatical puntuations prevent this poem from flowing in a most pleasurable fashion. I did like the message, but I felt the poem exhibited what you stated in the last sentence: "bored". Not bored in the sense that *I* got bored because I didn't, but bored in the sense that you just wrote the poem simply and just because. I hope to see more of your poems. I've read you before and liked what I saw. Hope to read more of your work.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I din't find it choppy at all I thought it showed the confusion of goin to war this is excellent, i loved it thanks for sharing là où est mon amour? |
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songsoftheaftermath Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84a world of disarray |
i actually liked this. nice work...musta been nice watching em'. could the darkness be my friend? |
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