Circle in the night (for mothers day)

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layla
Member

since 2000-11-19

Posts 74

0 posted 2002-05-12 12:09 PM

I am the moon
nonexisting without light
u r the sun with unreachable height
and u shine on me-u shine through me and with me
you are my support
you r the very means of my existence
you r always right
and without u
i am just a circle in the night

For my mother, I love you

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

1 posted 2002-05-12 09:57 PM

I liked this alot. Very creative and I loved the symbolism you used. I thought it was wrote decently and it had a good flow to it. I especially loved these two lines:
and u shine on me-u shine through me and with me
you are my support

and without u
i am just a circle in the night

Also, I dont mean to rag you on this because I used to hate it when people did this to me. But I'm glad they did now. It makes a poem so much prettier and better read when you actually type out the words 'you' instead of 'u' and such. Blah I used to do that as well and I Hated when ppl said that to me! especially when it's obvious that it does mean 'you' and such. so please don't take offense or anything, just offering a suggestion. Thanks.
.:tiff:.

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

I know Im not perfect but I can smile
& I hope that you c this heart behind my tired eyes

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

2 posted 2002-05-15 11:29 AM

This was so cute and adorable and sweet and AWWWWW !!! LOL theres too many words to describe this poem!! I really really hope you gave this to her..it was absolutely beautifully written!!

iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf..

Mon Cherie

Senior Member

since 2001-10-31

Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers

3 posted 2002-05-16 11:30 AM

This is so well written! I'm sure your mom loves you too.

And yeah, well... I do agree with knightlyshadows. I've been told to spell out full words while writing a poem too. No "don't"s or "won't"s, etc.... It just takes a few more taps on the keyboard to make out two words, but it seems alot nicer.

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

4 posted 2002-05-16 01:50 PM

Very beautifully done.

Jenn

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

5 posted 2002-05-16 07:21 PM

The single letters didn't bother me at all. I really enjoyed this poem.

She said burn ... together.
-TON

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