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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2002-04-29 08:00 PM

"How are ya feelin'?"
you ask in your mock tone
mock sense of consideration.
"Where have you been?"
You question me as if
you really do care.
"Why haven't you called?"
So many questions,
why must you ask all the time?
"Are you okay?"
You ask with your mocking voice
mock sense of conscern.

TearsOfPearls
Member

since 1999-09-23

Posts 322
Vereeniging, South-Africa

1 posted 2002-04-30 03:34 PM

I like this, describes people's fakeness very well

Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice!

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

2 posted 2002-04-30 08:22 PM

Gnarly. So true, too. All I ask from people is they be honest, they be real.

The poem, while I liked it's rapid fire approach - it served your end-goal well - I myself might make it a bit more.... solid. Perhaps more words, less 'you's, etc. Just a thought. One other thing:

"you ask in your mock tone
mock sense of consideration."

and

"You ask with your mocking voice
mock sense of conscern."

The use of 'mock' right after each other threw me off. It didn't seem to suit the poem well. Just a thought.

All in all, a nice write.

Sincerely,
Titus

Every second that passes you are one second older. You'll never get that second back.

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

3 posted 2002-05-03 09:03 AM

Thanks, Ti.
This is just a "me being pissed at the world" poem.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2002-05-03 09:43 AM

Allysa, why dont you just move on to someone else

I see your growth in your poetry
That's really good
So, whatever you're doing, keep it up
thanks for the read

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?
Nelly Furtado é a menina a mais bonita no mundo largo do todo.

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

5 posted 2002-05-05 09:33 PM

this reminds me of Joey from my favourite sitcom Friends..he goes "how are ya doing?" as a way to pick up girls...

been there felt there...nice rant..

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

6 posted 2002-05-06 01:44 PM

i have a lot of "me being pissed at the world poem" lol so i hear ya hun!!! This was great!

iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf..

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