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Teen Poetry #5
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Hallucination
Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419


0 posted 2002-04-22 08:00 AM


"Nothing Left"
© 2002 Brian Eggertsen, All Rights Reserved

Verse 1:
It's only been five minutes
I don't know about you,
but I'm at the missing stage
won't last the night through.

Verse 2:
It's a new situation
for me so I don't know,
what to do besides let the
missing you get upclose..

Chorus:
Cold useless memories
and crying worthlessness,
rip and tear me apart
until there's nothing left.
I try hard to fight this
painful unwelcome guest,
that has entered my heart
but I've got nothing left.

Verse 3:
I try and keep up to date
But I've lost the romance,
it was my last shot dinner,
candle light, and slow dance.

Verse 4:
If two words could make you stay
I'd have to say "love you",
I know it's not that simple
but I'm confused and blue.

Re- chorus.

Tag:
I'd give you everything
if you come back to the nest
And I wll love you so
Untill I've got nothing left...

© Copyright 2002 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved
xShUgArHiGhx
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Member Elite
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
1 posted 2002-04-22 11:21 AM


Great job on this song!!!! Really enjoyed it Thanks for sharing!

iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf..

LoneWolf
Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 384
IL
2 posted 2002-04-22 02:11 PM


I loved this, it was awesome. great job
PoetryIsLife
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Senior Member
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763
...in my boxers...
3 posted 2002-04-23 01:51 PM


Wanted to say I enjoyed this song. It's nice to see a song here and there (I myself am a songwriter). So, thanks for that.

The song itself seemed a bit... confused, as I think you were trying to do. It ranged from missing her, giving your all for her, being confused, wanting her, et all. My only caution is perhaps a bit too much change for a 4 minute song. Take Enrique's "Escape." One emotion: You can't escape my love." Feel me?

"Verse 4:
If two words could make you stay
I'd have to say "love you",
I know it's not that simple
but I'm confused and blue."

When you say, "I'd have to say" it kinda makes it seem like you are unsure if you want to say 'love you.' And 'confused and blue' didn't really keep up with the rest of the song. With how well you wrote other parts, I sense you could improve upon that.


I really like verse three and the chorus.

"Tag:
I'd give you everything
if you come back to the nest
And I wll love you so
Untill I've got nothing left..."

I love you so seems like "confused and blue." You can do better mate.

Sincerely,
Titus

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convinience, but where he stands at times of challange and controversy.

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