»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
For You
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
For You |
|
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
|
Will you brush my hair out of my eyes gaze at me intently and never let me slip between the cracks of my mind? Can I run my fingers through your hair kiss you so sweetly and never have to explain anything that I do? Would you let me listen as you play songs on your guitar and never stop so I can hear the melody of my heart? Will you paint my heart with stories give me more memories and never make me worry about something simple like forgetting you? Can you let me love you like this never wanting to leave and never having to let go of my love? Would you let me sing to you and fill your soul with music and never worry about being empty again because I'd have you? Can you be my one true love and replace all the bad in life and never make me worry about life without you? Will you let me kiss your hand, tracing your fingers with mine and never wonder when you'll pull away? Don't let your mind wander, it's much to small to be out by itself. [This message has been edited by Allysa (03-09-2002 03:18 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I must admit seeing ---- in the middle of a poem does kind of detract from a poem, although I think that you could have written a toned down version for pip. Anyway it was a most enjoyable read and thank you for sharing it with us. You have been bitten by the Zu bug |
||
|
lone_poet707 Member
since 2001-11-17
Posts 70black hole named Aylmer |
i do agree that the "-" r sorta disracting, but its still a beautiful poem! -JOe |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Allysa, you'd be better to edit it out completely rather than leave something like that in the middle of the piece. Mind you, it can also work with the music of the heart thing. Sort of like bars for music.  Nice sentiments in it with good expression. Well done. Thanks for sharing. ~AF~ ::Most people never listen:: |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
It just didn't feel right without that verse. Ya know, when you can hear things in your mind and it doesn't work without a certain part. Sorry. Thanks for replying. Don't let your mind wander, it's much to small to be out by itself. |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
maybe thats better. ? |
||
|
keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I don't know what you changed about it, but it sounds good to me. Maybe it's better I was late, cause I liked it alot. Jon "Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur |
||
|
xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
AWESOME!! Wow just a really really great piece allysa!!! I cant say enough about it It was just so warming and beautiful!iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf.. |
||
|
fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
~allysa~ hey, i really enjoyed this poem. in the beginning and middle i honestly thought it would be kind of a naive, but at the end you made it better by saying not to pull away and that really moved me. it is a good love poem, but it still lets you see the uncertainty that love has (if that makes any sense to you) well anyways...i still think it was great and i am glad you shared it. -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Thanks guys! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
