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Teen Poetry #5

Daydream

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2002-02-26 11:50 PM

Once upon a time,
not so long ago,
there was a boy
named Joe.

He was star
up on stage,
curly hair,
pleasant tone,
sparkles in his eyes.

Was enchanting,
am mesmerized,
is he my Prince Charming?

Only spoken once,
not for a second,
still can’t help dreaming of the day.

The day this fairytale may come true.

PS: I'm not sure I like this one. So please offer up any suggestions!

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

1 posted 2002-02-28 03:40 AM

jamie, you do tell a tale, and you DO have good story-telling skills, but i think what you lack is emotion. tell the story yes, but also relay to the readers the emotions your persona is going through

i hope that that helps..

Zombie

Torn are her limbs
By quiet hands that
Tug life(color) out of her.
Gnawing edges round
Into a broken(satisfying)
Shadow

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