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Teen Poetry #5
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Deep_Inside
Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

0 posted 2002-02-20 02:29 AM



How long have i denied this,
laying with you on the floor

How long have i denied this,
painfully walking out the door

How long have i denied this,
turning my not looking to this day

How long have i denied this,
as you slowly slip away

How long have i denied this,
leaving what's in store

How long have i denied this,
not wanting it anymore

How long have i denied this,
with the candles on the floor

How long have i denied this,
now yearning for what's in store

How long have i denied this,
as are souls slowly drift apart

How long have i denied this,
as it slowly takes my hart

How long have i denied this,
with you sitting by my side

How long have i denied this,
ignoring what’s inside

Thank you for your time :shy:

when you live you die
when you die your forgotten
when your forgotten you truly die

© Copyright 2002 Matt - All Rights Reserved
C?
Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 190

1 posted 2002-02-20 03:28 AM


hey hey! new member, I see? well, welcome!
this one in particular caught me eye,
Its been a while since someone had the guts to attempt such a poem with such repetition, and made it work. I liked the ending especially, leaves everything ambiguous, just the style I like! ask anyone here :P
C?

Deep_Inside
Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377
i can't stop hiding
2 posted 2002-02-20 02:42 PM


i'm not a new member in fact i been here even befor you i had other names like litle_krazy_poet and mikeykrazy well anyway i have been wrighting a lot of these kinda of poems just not all of them i can shair with all of you and about the ambiguous ending i wright most of my poems about things that are happening and so the poem can never end because what happens in life has no end

Thank you for your time

when you live you die
when you die your forgotten
when your forgotten you truly die

[This message has been edited by Deep_Inside (02-20-2002 02:44 PM).]

xShUgArHiGhx
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Member Elite
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
3 posted 2002-02-20 07:02 PM


This poem was really good..your really very good at putting your feelings into words..nicely done

mE & cHrIsTiNe GaVe A WhOlE nEw mEaNiNg tO ThE wOrD "iNcOgNiTo"

Heavens Tears
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Senior Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677

4 posted 2002-02-20 08:26 PM


I really liked this one.  The repitition was good.  Its hard not to overdo it, but you did an excellent job here.  The only suggestion I can make is to have less stanzas.  Instead of
"How long have i denied this,
with you sitting by my side

How long have i denied this,
ignoring what’s inside"

try

"How long have i denied this,
with you sitting by my side
How long have i denied this,
ignoring what’s inside"

It might make it a little easier to read or something.  But its a great poem.  Nicely done!

keoni
Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC
5 posted 2002-02-20 08:51 PM


Very nice poem. I agree with Heaven's Tears. Less stanzas would clean it up alot.
Jon

"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur
"Sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free"- Bouncing Souls

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