early morning cries - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

0 posted 2001-07-10 05:08 AM

be honest, see something that needs to be fixed tell me. thanks, -fear-

4 o'clock in the morning
yet my eyes cannot seem to find sleep
all because of my broken heart
that you so tenderly beat

you ripped and you tore
then you left the scars
to blend in with those already worn
hell, you may as well of stomped on it
with your football cleats

"why'd i have to fall for a jock?" i ask
these quiet walls
hoping for once in my life
they will answer to my cry

my ears become aware
as i think i hear a muted sigh
but then i realize
that it is my own

confused
i glance down at my chest
to feel my heart slowly shriveling
*sigh* i give up
can't take this anymore
i close my eyes
and finally allow my heart to die

-fear-

i'm a penguin! i'm a penguin! i'm a cute lil penguiiiin! i'm a penguin i'm a penguin! i eat FISH!--tis the pretty penguin song

[This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (edited 07-10-2001).]

Kicking Kim
Member

since 2001-04-16

Posts 426
Cloud Cucko Land!

1 posted 2001-07-10 05:37 AM

This was a very powerful poem and I really enjoyed it! It was strong and had a nice structure! Nice post! Keep writing.

^*~Kicking Kim~*^

"Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression"

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

2 posted 2001-07-10 10:25 AM

I liked this one a lot. It was very powerful, and that situation sucks. The poem is great. Nice job!

- Cody -

If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

3 posted 2001-07-10 12:04 PM

I was expecting some big powerful ending, but the way you ended made it seem you were giving up. It was a nice effect, but not always a good thing to do. Maybe in this situation it is though... Well, anyway, great poem!

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

4 posted 2001-07-10 05:12 PM

Wow, Fear. I really liked this one. It was strong. So powerful. But I agree with Heavens Tears...The ending- as emotional as it was-wasn't what I expected. Don't give up!

thedarkangel
Member

since 2001-05-12

Posts 74
~*~the cutest~*~

5 posted 2001-07-10 05:22 PM

i dunno if i can find anything wrong with this, i really liked it! especially the 2nd stanza! keep them comin!
laura
~*~

Be honest and don't follow fads and fashion. do what you do and do it well ~*~jon bon jovi~*~

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-07-10 08:05 PM

I liked the poem but didn't understand why you mentioned he was a jock. What does that have to do with anything? Anyway, nicely done.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

7 posted 2001-07-10 09:37 PM

powerful..wow...i loved the last verses...enjoyed it a lot

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 07-10-2001).]

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

8 posted 2001-07-10 11:25 PM

thanks everybody for your comments, they mean a lot to me, more then you can ever realize. dopey...sorry if i offended you with the jock part. you know how everybody has their cliques of people they hang around with in school?? well i'm sort of considered a mellow goth, i guess. all of my friends insult jocks, you know the usual crap. i don't really have nothing against them, but this particular jock hurt me. so that is how i'm gonna explain the jock part. sorry to all those people who are lucky enough to be athletic (i can barely dribble a ball) i meant no offense. anywayz...thanks again for replying, u guys rock!
-fear-

i'm a penguin! i'm a penguin! i'm a cute lil penguiiiin! i'm a penguin i'm a penguin! i eat FISH!--tis the pretty penguin song

zarina
Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 180

9 posted 2001-07-11 04:18 AM

It's good. I like all of your poems..

I am always myself. Isn't that enough for you?

Low Man's Lyric
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 236
In a dream

10 posted 2001-07-11 02:13 PM

I really like this poem, I didn't see anything wrong. I like the ending as well because I was expecting a different ending. Good job!

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
~Steven Wright

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

11 posted 2001-07-23 09:47 AM

This is really sad. I guess most of us knows where you're coming from. Hope you start feeling better soon.

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

DarkenedShadow
Member

since 2001-07-23

Posts 114
Kansas

12 posted 2001-07-23 11:55 AM

Whats to fix?? Its awsome, you use such descrptive words... and they flow into one whole thought. Great. /Nick/

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

13 posted 2001-07-23 12:05 PM

This was such an amazing poem and all the words you used were so powerful. Im so sorry that your heart was broken but i think any guy is capable of it...thats why i think all guys...except for a few...suck! Great poem

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

14 posted 2001-07-27 01:25 AM

Nice piece. Things that you might want to look at is the line count. You start off with 4, then jump to 5, then do two in 4 and then the last one has 7. It started off well with a hint of a rhyme then you dropped it completely. I'd revise the stanza lines.
Thanks for the read.

~AF~

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Robin Williams

Jessica

Member

since 2001-06-28

Posts 350
South AL

15 posted 2001-07-27 01:45 AM

Fear - I don't think you should change anything on this! Well done!!

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

16 posted 2001-07-27 03:59 AM

ouch... ive been here...

ALL i can say is i hope you'll get better soon ...

Nice write

ALLIE

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

17 posted 2001-07-27 04:04 AM

aw this was sad...i did like the ending though...sumtimes you dont have the energy to move forward and just need to sit and rest.
on word of advice though:
my ears become aware
as i think i hear a muted sigh
but then i realize
that it is my own

i think it would read a bit better and sound a bit powerful if you omit the "but then".
thats all

...great read though i enjoyed it lots!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.