First Alert (2draft of Untitled)

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Teen Poetry #5

First Alert (2draft of Untitled)

Jessica

Member

since 2001-06-28

Posts 350
South AL

0 posted 2001-07-09 06:56 PM

Here is the finished product of one of my previous posts "Untitled". I changed the whole rhyme around and just swapped a few words here and there. Please tell me what you think as far as the diffrence between the two... like what you would keep and then what you would change.

I have to stop the blame
he betrayed me
because of the shame
I just couldn't see

the guilt I felt
came from his lies
the pain he dealt
once filled my eyes

it seemed forever
only because the honesty hurt
for this heart ache to endeavor
it was then my first alert

What don't kill you can only make you stronger...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-07-10 04:37 PM

I liked this one Jessica. Great job on expressing yourself in this poem.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

2 posted 2001-07-10 09:06 PM

i personally liked this one better...the flow seemed better...and the format worked out nicely...great job Jess#2!

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 07-10-2001).]

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-07-15 07:53 PM

I personally think you can add more to this poem to make it great. Seems like you are hidding words as to not be too open with your feelings. But still a great post Jessica. Keep em coming.

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-07-16 03:54 PM

This is very good, Jess! The meter and rhyme were awesome! I think you could touch up the last stanza, maybe change it so the syllable counts are similar, so the meter will work a little better. Other than there, the flow's awesome. I agree with acire in that you could add more to this. I would like to see part 2, maybe?

Nice work, just the same. I really enjoyed this!

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

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