I Feel... It Hurts - pipTalk Forums

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Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2002-01-15 06:44 PM

I feel pain       in my thoughts and words,
It hurts     to imagine being torn from your life   and love,
To have hundreds of thoughts charge through your brain.
Stampeding around      deafening all other sound,
And deadening thought      unable to function.
What- ifs become giants    reality’s so small,
And shrinking       as it struggles to breathe        but can’t.
Now,         I’m scared.

" How can i feel if i can't breathe...?"
-Godsmack
"If who i am is what i have, and what i have is lost...then who am i?"
-unknown

Barelybreathing
Junior Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 46

1 posted 2002-01-16 01:41 AM

I've always enjoyed reading your poems..this being no exception. I like your style..the 6th line was my fave..thanks for sharing.

'The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one's own.'
~Montaigne~

Mon Cherie

Senior Member

since 2001-10-31

Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers

2 posted 2002-01-16 08:07 AM

Yes, I agree... What ifs are like giants, but sometimes, all these worries might turn into dust. We might be worrying for nothing, coz reality might not be as scary as it seems.

So cheer up.

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

3 posted 2002-01-16 08:41 AM

Damn..that hits home hard. I gotta say I like this one. It easily describes the period in my life right now. Too many things to worry about, and with every paycheck, something comes up to sap the cash.

-Adam

"I like pigs. Dogs look up at us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Winston Churchill

never_a_princess
Member

since 2001-06-09

Posts 82
Show Me the Money

4 posted 2002-01-16 03:01 PM

"now, I'm scared." I like that..it's simplistic, but great for wrapping up your emotions in the poem. Really nice post ya got here, buddy-person.
__o0o_Anna_o0o__ *HugZies & WaveZies*

Friends r angels who lift u 2 ur feet when ur wings have trouble remembering how 2 fly.
Stumbling blox can b stepping stones if u allow them 2 b.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2002-01-17 10:01 AM

I'm sure many people can relate to these words.  This is a very heavy thing to deal with.

With the poem, I don't like the style.  The way you have those pauses in the middle of the lines are distracting.  I think, instead, maybe you should make a new line, that would make it read easier (less choppy), and it would make more sense.  JMHO.

Well done.  I always enjoy your work.. you're very talented.

--Marie

'Things are getting worse but I feel a lot better... and that's all that really matters to me.'

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