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Marionette Heart
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Marionette Heart |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Marionette Heart- After being played and tricked in beleiving lies, With every fowl word, a part of me dies... Thinking I am strong, that I can win, Troubles and agonies brewing from within... With my arching heart as wirey as a beast, I can say that I fear love---to say the least... And yet my feelings for you are my confession, With the pain of the past, have I learned my lesson? No... As if being manipulated by a puppet master, Everytime I talk to you, my heart beats a little faster... But the foolish Owl will never forget, All that have caught his eye, and all the regrets... With a deeply tarnished past---I'm glad for your grace, My feelings, more real...than the beauty of your face... Drifting back into lonley solitude, hoping you'd feel the same... Descending into darkness, hoping you'd call my name... ----------------- Yeah, I guess you can say this poem is kinda for somebody. Although, I'm not gonna tell who the person is this time...but I'm sure they'll know who they are! (Sorry Cher---this one ain't for you this time!) Well, I hope y'all enjoy... The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! [This message has been edited by Android 17 (12-30-2001 07:24 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alex-lee Hryhorczuk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DarkAngelOfTheStars Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 255 |
I know the feeling of this one. love=blah :P I think this was the first poem i read from you. it was nice cant wait to read more  Don't make me get my flying monkeys :P |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
I'm not saying I'm giving up on love...I'm just saying that I'm not bright enough to have learned from it yet... But who knows---new days bring new joys. The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! |
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branden726
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607Bay City, MI |
Hey this is really nice poem, i liked the emotion you put in to it keep up the great work! All you other poets beware my true feelings and poetry are about to flare! |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
My head hurts...too...much...drawing. o_O; Other than that...heh: I really liked your rhyming here! It even made sense. WHOA, dude. *nods* ^_^; It's kind of sweet, in a certain way. And sad. We all have dark pasts that we don't like to remember, but it's nice to have someone there to make everything less painful, ne? ^_^; Hopefully, everything will go well for you, Alexy. *thinks* I'm guessing, but...?_? Peace out [doofus.] (hee, inside joke. Don't mind me.) ++ Leah ++ Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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prov1717 Member
since 2001-12-26
Posts 74NE |
hey...i love this poem. i hope it all works out for you and yes...new days do bring new joys. i enjoyed this so keep them coming |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Thanks y'all! 17---I enjoy your enthusiasm for my poems! Leah---what're you guessing? And Branden....thanks alot! I wnjoyed reading this poem---it just gave me a reason to think about 'her' all the more! ^_^ The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Okay, I'm in critique mode so beware... Alright, this is a very well-written piece. I'm impressed at the honesty you always portray in your words. The break after the second stanza was well-placed, I thought. It served as a dramatic pause, and made the reader want to continue reading. The rhyme scheme was overall pretty well done. There were places where I would possible change a few things. Thinking I am strong, that I can win, Troubles and agonies brewing from within... I was thinking, maybe in the first line, to make the meter more consistent, you could say "Thinking I am strong, thinking I can win". You don't have to take all these suggestions, BTW... they're just suggestions. With my arching heart as wirey as a beast, I can say that I fear love---to say the least... That second line sounds repetitive. I wasn't really feeling the "to say the least" bit. "say" is overused. As if being manipulated by a puppet master, Everytime I talk to you, my heart beats a little faster... In these two lines, I felt like you were squishing (yes, squishing  ) too many words into two lines. The word "manipulated" I liked, but felt like in order to get through that line with the same rythm, you have to rush those 5 syllables. Maybe go for a word with less syllables? It was the same way with "Everytime".But the foolish Owl will never forget, All that have caught his eye, and all the regrets... I loved those two lines! It sounded mysterious, almost. Especially the second line - excellent. The last stanza was by far my favorite. The way you ended the piece was fantastic. Over all, very nice work. And don't be discouraged... I'm only this nit-picky to the ones I really like Very well-written piece, as I said. You should be proud of what you've produced. --Marie "It was a long December, and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last." (Counting Crows) |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Figures I'd have to follow Marie w/ here 12 page long reply...tehehehe...I'll never live up to that, so I won't even try. however, I loved this piece! Your rhyme sceme worked wonders for the rhythem and flow of this write. And the meaning in every line, the story you told..I could really relate and connect to/with. Awesome job here man, a piece ot be proud of indeed. "I'd rather die purposely alone than to have lived an accidental life of solitude."- Jesa "§ùgã®" Thompson |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Well I really enjoyed the read, thank you for sharing this wonderful peice with us Alex, hope to see more of your work Andrew Join the Imperial Space Navy and become a Ti(tus) fighter. ;) |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Once again i loved your piece...great job here hun!!! Great read and thanks for sharing ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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gymnast Member
since 2001-11-18
Posts 80Scotland. |
I love this poem-you express your feelings so well! Hope love works out for you! And keep up the good work with your pems-there great! |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Alex, don't give up. Just take a break. Great write, dear, great write! You know you're Canadian when if something's broken, the first thing you ask is if it can be fixed with WD-40 or Duct Tape |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Hey---I didn't think that this would get so well! And I really enjoyed that long critque...and all the helpful, and encouraging posts---I really enjoyed them! Thanks y'all! ^_^ The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! |
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Vegeta New Member
since 2002-01-04
Posts 2Um---Canada? |
woah---dude...i thought it was touching. heh---I know who it was for! |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Woah! Dude!!! *checks your addy* JOESPH! I see that I finally suckered you into coming here---heh, just like Leah did to me! But it's for the better I assure you! Thanks for your imput! The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Dude!!! It's JOSEPH!!! ^_^ Awww... |
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Jose Marti Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 374washing DC |
I can really Identify with the first part of the poem, it happens to us guys too thats part of what makes so predatory as we grow older. if we get palyed enough times, all we want to do is return the favor. |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Hey---you're right! And yes Leah---it's Joesph! The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Alex!!! What a wonderful piece! I absolutely loved it. It was beautifully written, dark, deep, and disturbing. It was a door to your heart. Thank you for letting us in! Again, it was wonderful. I loved it. Fantastic write my friend! Now, email me again...  Sincerely, Titus I am me, living in my dreams. |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
*deep breath* I'm no good with comments or anything, I'm a very honest person but I think I sound lame and not so original, but here goes..honestly, I liked it, your choice of words and your structure is so amazing..hehee I'm sooo jealous:P jk..The things I read here I'm like so blown away, and me I feel like I'm just too emotional and have no real solid power...you..you have the power..urgh was I just about to go into a He-man flashback..lol!!! Kristen ~The ice is thin, come on dive in underneath my lucid skin..~ |
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Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
Alex, I really liked this one. Maybe this time around, the dice will roll in your favor. And Ceinwyn, the poet is only as good as their fans say they are. Most poets are so critical of their work, they'll always be able to find things wrong with it, regardless of how good someone tells them it is. Either that..or I'm just a perfectionist. Anyway, being too emotional is a GOOD thing, -especially- if you're a poet. Write about your emotions. Don't TRY to write..just write. -Adam "I like pigs. Dogs look up at us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Winston Churchill |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
*rolls the dice* Lady Luck---be kind... Thanks Adam! I really enjoyed your input! As well as your Titus...Lol, and we can't forget Kristen's can we? The trick is to know when to walk away---and TO KNOW WHEN TO RUN!!! |
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Pixie-Babe03 Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387Central Maine |
wow this is awesome!! very creative!! i like it a lot *Justine* -=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=- |
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Pixie-Babe03 Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387Central Maine |
gotta add it to my library! |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Teh---who woulda thought writing poetry on the busride to Edmonton would become so big? Thanks Justine! I think I even added it to my library as well too! ^_^ HEhehe! Lame...I know... [b]"Snake, always remember that your mind if your most dangerous weapon. If things get too complicated---simplify your thoughts![b] |
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