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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Trail |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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Walking on the beach at night, feet sinking into the sand- leaving behind footprints, a trail to follow home. Darkness wraps me in its arms, I'm one with the night- hiding from you, follow the trail to me. A far off cry in the distance, mixes with the wind and gets lost, I turn and see you following me, the trail of footprints in the sand. You're stepping in my footprints, so there's only one path on the beach- you reach me, the wind blowing you hair in your face, standing in the trail on the sand. Together we walk in silence, you walk next to me now, our feet sinking into the ground together, leaving behind a trail in the sand. Two trails of footprints in the sand, two people walking side by side, you and me together, leaving- a trail to follow home. Don't let your mind wander, it's much to small to be out by itself. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
You have gotten better and better Allysa I loved this piece a lot reminds me of "Footprints in the Sand" thanks for the beautiful read keep it up là où est mon amour? |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
thanks.  This particular poem is for a new someone special.....  I'm gonna go home tonight and bake him some cookies.....  Don't let your mind wander, it's much to small to be out by itself. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Who's the special someone now?  là où est mon amour? |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
His name is Cole.... Don't let your mind wander, it's much to small to be out by itself. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Cole the cookie monster...  I like this piece because it's a lot different from all the other lovey dovey work in here. Yours has...what's that word? Oh yes, depth.  The imagery is nice but you overused the word footsteps way too much in my opinion. Maybe if you broke them up a little more, it wouldn't be quite so repetitive. Other than that, nice writing. have fun baking those cookies. ~AF~ If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life. |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Allysa, this was quiet good, you keep getting better as Acire said. Well good luck with Cole. Regina |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
ROFL @ Lizzy's reply... Allysa... this was beautiful! You've really produced something to be very proud of. I was impressed with the meter of the poem. Rhyme wasn't needed to make it flow well. You've grown so much as a writer. Very nice work with this. I thoroughly enjoyed it  --Marie "It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last." (Counting Crows) |
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prov1717 Member
since 2001-12-26
Posts 74NE |
i like the last two stanzas best...nice work and i hope he loved the cookies! best of luck! |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Thank you all and Happy New Year.... erm, yeah. The cookies sort of transformed into brownies, and I do believe that he ate some (along w/ the rest of my math class.) Acire, you're not going to believe this... Justin's been calling me. He called me on New Year's at midnight... We're just friends though, that's the only way we can stand each other.... Yeah. So now I've got one of my best buds back... Joy... Don't let your mind wander, it's much to small to be out by itself. |
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