»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Russian Roulette
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Russian Roulette |
|
|
Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
Muscles twitch spasmodically, And pupils dilate. Insects skitter over foot And proceed to desecrate The broken graves of lovers, Where ghosts will lie in wait For the worthless hides of men Who resign themselves to debate The chances of attempting To tempt the lips of fate. Cold lips kiss the iron lips. Now they’re part of the death rate. ---------- *sigh* This...thing..doesn't deserve posting. The first stanza is perfect. The other two should be dragged out into the street and shot repeatedly with high powered weapons until there is little left but a bloody splatter spot. Enjoy. -Adam [This message has been edited by Kosetsu (06-23-2002 12:05 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Adam Kamerer - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Neosaphire Junior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 20Oklahoma City |
The first one is exquisite. The second one...the first two lines hold well, the last two just aren't quite right. Can't really think of an idea to help...this was my least favorite of the three, but still good. The third...there are a few courses of action I see that could improve its flow, the last two lines are a bit akward together. One could either edit the very last line to something else (perhaps it's the combination of "Now" "they're" "of" and "the" next to each other that slightly irks me, I dunno, it doesn't seem as high quality as the rest of the poem) or change the second to the last line a bit to have a better matching rhythemic feel to the last line (Cold lips kiss iron [two syllable trochaic word], for example ). I love your repeated use of the tempt base, you did that well, and using the noun phrase as the entire sentence is strikingly powerful and to the point. I very much enjoyed reading this, I'm thankfull that you didn't actually drag them out into the street and shoot them repeatedly  [This message has been edited by Neosaphire (06-23-2002 12:20 AM).] |
||
|
cutiepiesugarbabie Member
since 2002-06-07
Posts 110A Cloud In the Sky |
it was a good poem-the first quartrain held it all together...there's enough violence in the world today...no need to drag poems into it!  o*~Everyone makes mistakes-get over them and make more tomorrow!~*o |
||
|
cutiepiesugarbabie Member
since 2002-06-07
Posts 110A Cloud In the Sky |
it was a good poem-the first quartrain held it all together...there's enough violence in the world today...no need to drag poems into it! o*~Everyone makes mistakes-get over them and make more tomorrow!~*o |
||
DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
haha dont you hate it when youre off to such a great start and then you just lose your edge and the rest of it sucks, i do it all the time, but from the looks of this poem i do it a LITTLE bit worse haha this really wasnt bad at all, but i know anything i say wont change your mind bc as poets we're always over-critical of our work. it definetly was worth posting and i look forward to your next **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
||
|
songsoftheaftermath Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84a world of disarray |
sometimes its not just the form and rhyme that matter-but the content too. dont be too hard on yourself over the form. write from the heart and it will sure to move other people. good work adamz. could the darkness be my friend? |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
