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Zombie Man
Member

since 1999-06-22

Posts 52
Va

0 posted 2001-12-15 02:59 PM

Is there something that has been going on,
But you don't know what to say.
I can stay here, take in what you say.
Now I am the one who has been walked among.
You keep going right along,
Like we don't feel a thing.

Come on, just tell me what is going on.
For all that you have been for me,
And you just walk away.
Why can't we be life before?
The beauty we just had,
Withered all away.

Now everytime I look into your eyes,
All I see is lies, lies, lies.
I never thought this would happen.
How could you betray our trust like this?
While this hole rests in my heart.
Where all your love use to be.

Time goes on and on.
But we just stay here.
So tell me,
What is your choice?
The decision you have made.
Do you want to go or stay?

This is all upon your shoulders.
You have control and the power,
To change our life.
Don't go away without a reason why.

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

1 posted 2001-12-20 02:14 PM

overall your poem was pretty good, but let me help you out with a few things. now, I'm not the best poet in the world, but there are some gramatical mistakes here...

quote:
Is there something that has been going on,
But you don't know what to say.
I can stay here, take in what you say.
Now I am the one who has been walked among.
You keep going right along,
Like we don't feel a thing.

did you happen to mean here "Like I don't feel a thing." ? It would make a little more sense...but otherwise, it's fine.

quote:
Come on, just tell me what is going on.
For all that you have been for me,
And you just walk away.
Why can't we be life before?
The beauty we just had,
Withered all away.

I think maybe you meant like, but mistyped it. I'm not sure though, so I thought I should ask. Over all this is a beautiful stansa though

quote:
Now everytime I look into your eyes,
All I see is lies, lies, lies.
I never thought this would happen.
How could you betray our trust like this?
While this hole rests in my heart.
Where all your love use to be.[quote]

It should say "All I see are lies, lies, lies" but, again, other than that, it was really very good.

[quote]Time goes on and on.
But we just stay here.
So tell me,
What is your choice?
The decision you have made.
Do you want to go or stay?

sure, make me cry

quote:
This is all upon your shoulders.
You have control and the power,
To change our life.
Don't go away without a reason why.

I'm feelin ya. Overall this is a wonderful poem, and I can't believe I missed it. thank you for sharing, and I"ll be looking for me.

If someone said, "Write a sentence about your life," I'd write "I want to go outside and play."

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

2 posted 2001-12-21 06:27 AM

This is a beautiful poem, thank you for sharing this with us, I wouldn't worry about the grammatical "errors" as in my opinion, a poem is written first with feelings then with grammar, if it feels right don't change it.

Zu

"No army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe"

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

3 posted 2001-12-21 01:53 PM

I enjoyed it a lot...and i agree a lot with the last line in this poem..i dont think anyone should leave without a reason behind it...I hope you get your reason hun ::hugs::

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

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