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Teen Poetry #5
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The Unheralded Spark
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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The Unheralded Spark |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169
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I wrote this poem about a year ago, so heh, here it goes... The Unheralded Spark The Unheralded spark set it off. The dire fire roared through the mire Of my heart. Until all is ablazing, My heart is rapidly razing, Phasing in and out, and out of this body. And it is frightfully Amazing how it is Blazing with its awesome phasing, And I am but meekly gazing At its crazing capabilities, And I am craving for a Damned answer that is dazing, All the while blessedly blazing. And I am merely flaying in the Darkness laying deep within. ----------- Also, I do not mind any criticism, in fact I welcome it. -Derek |
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| © Copyright 2001 Derek Benz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Streen/Derek (...the power of the slash...): This piece reminded me of my "dark materials" series. I think it was the rhyme scheme and the dark theme. Then again, I'm not quite sure...o_O; *ahem* Anyways... I really liked your rhyme scheme, and all the "z" sounds that came with them. I thought it really added a "spark" to the poem and made it a little more interesting than if you had used other words. ^_^ Although the "z" sounds made it interesting, it almost overpowered the entire poem. oO; I found myself more captivated by the "z" sounding words than the actual content of the poem. I don't know whether this was your intention to do that or not, but it's not a major thing. I still think the poem was spiffy. ^_^; The ending was almost a surprise, as you had been using words that connoted fire/sparks. (Yay for slashes! *in a really weird mood* o_O; ) The "Darkness laying deep within" was completely dissimilar to what you were conveying, and that made it so much more...impact-ish. (wha?) o_O; Ok, I'm losing myself again... (If we all don't perish from my horribleness of ruining the English language........) Other than that, there's not much more that I can say (not neccessarily a bad thing). I'm really enjoying what you've written so far, and hopefully, we'll see more of it. Good job, once again! ++ Leah ++ Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
sounds almost like a rap song.. just needs a few syllabic adjustments here and there.. and walaa! you have a rap song! |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
Hehe, somehow I can't really imagine myself rapping anything at all. ^_^ -Derek |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
the rhyme scheme did make this interesting, you avoided rhyming at the end of every line, which kept it from getting sing-songy. you did a good job on this. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I really enjoyed this. I think that the content was very thought-provoking, and the internal rhyme you have going throughout the whole poem made it very nice to read. You're a talented poet, and I'm enjoying your pieces more and more. Very nice work! --Marie If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the most frustrated people in the world are those who know they're stupid, but keep trying anyway. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
"Damned answer that is dazing, All the while blessedly blazing. And I am merely flaying in the Darkness laying deep within." That rocked!! excellent job with this piece. You've outdone yourself and I'm happy to have stumbled across it.  Thanks for the read. ~AF~ Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
Im so glad to have read this...well written poem, i liked readng your poems this one wasnt a exception... Then I started getting caught up with the "Z" sounds, later on...*blinks* Hey...#25437 |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
I liked the format streen Nice work and keep em coming!ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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