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Teen Poetry #5
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Stillborn Heart
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Stillborn Heart |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg 
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Stillborn Heart Beneath the scatter'd sky I stand A humbled, less important man I hold within my bloodied hand a withered, beating heart For love I gave the most of me From tallest mount to deepest sea But none could kiss a simple flea however stark his art If you would bring the world to halt Suspend each falling grain of salt And strangle every gaping fault To stifle out the flames I'd pick it clean of worthy praise Of colours that would so amaze Allowing only blacks and greys despite your holy claims For there is nothing quite as grand That ambles on this tattered land As you, who in my shaking hand were stillborn into life But had love been so kind to me Perhaps you'd have the eyes to see That, be it truth or fallacy, I'd seize you as my wife |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Knight of Secrecy Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113San Juan, Puerto Rico |
It's a great concept, but I didn't connect with me, I think it was the format that I just don't like. -C.M. |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Actually I like the format really well. To me, it just flows, especially with what you were writting. But I suppose thats all in how it is read. Anyway, I think you did a good job on this. You already know you have a way with words, and it shows well in this piece. Good write, I look forward to more to come. Take care. ~Ali Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel... A tes souhaits... A tes amours... Qu ils restent. Jatdore. |
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A Square Paraboloid New Member
since 2001-11-06
Posts 8 |
Amazing imagery. The world, suspended, frozen, at loss of all power, and the narrator stealing that power and using it to show what truly is. The format was incredibly well done; I noticed not one flaw in rhythm, meter. Another piece to be proud of, my love. A Square Paraboloid "I'm weary, but weary happens...it's no tradgedy." |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This piece was so strong and so full of emotion..truely a great job! ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
Excellent piece. I loved it! Jon "Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
I like the style of this piece, you did a great job!!  ~*Nikki*~ ~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~ |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
wow, i really liked this....it had awesum imagery...this wuz great thanks 4 the read byE!   ugh, my life is like a soap opera, everyday something new comes along and makes it 10x worse |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
ok, dont know what the others are talkin bout :p but i absolutely *loved* this. its going into my library. you had great imagery, flow, rhyme scheme... twas all there  the poem it self was just excellently done. *clap* i think you did very well here. great job!tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
i have to say that this is etreamly well done mr. milk! i loved the imagery within this- the macbre paralled with the concept of love. good schtuff...i enjoyed this to the fullest..fill my boots with the stuff and ill be happy  |
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Jeremiah Johnson Senior Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 1223Brooksville, Fl, U.S |
can't believe i missed this one to. well its also great and your a very good poet you should post more poetry here my friend i'm sure all would enjoy I'm a dying romantic and when i can no longer write i can no longer live -Jeremiah Johnson- |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
well.....local parasite...i dont know...there was something in your poem that truly bothered me. the imagery was good, the flow also....maybe i didnt understand it. well i hope you do keep writing, perhaps ill figure out what bothered me... Regina [This message has been edited by Ina (edited 11-27-2001).] |
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