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Teen Poetry #5
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Breath: an untold story
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Breath: an untold story |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Crimson sealed against the white Upon the patterned lace That lay along an angel's wings And marred a lovely face. She lay there cold, a dying form That faded over time A single beast, a naked ruin A proof of wasted crime. The wounds that bled, a golden shield That kept her body warm From silent death, a lulling song A souless cold transformed. A flight, a breath, a single beat A heart that slowly folds A light, a breath, a flowing tear... A story never told. + + + + + Hehehe...sorry if it was raw...or if it was too much. I'll understand if it's taken out of the forums. I just wanted to write something a little different. Enjoy at your leisure! ^_^ ++ Leah ++ Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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| © Copyright 2001 chasing rain - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
a aimé ce morceau! très bien écrit... la fin m'a simplement soufflé parti puisque chacun a une histoire à dire et ce que le caractère est symbolixed pendant que pas plus... je ne biseautent assez la parole de combien de joie vous avez apportée en partageant ceci... le travail impressionnant, LEAH. =) |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Wow, Chasing Rain. Lovely to see something more from you. This was very dark and well written. The format of it is good for dark poetry. I really like your writing! I especially liked revival of the word "form" in the word "transform" in a later stanza. Whether that was intentional or not, it was really neat...  Theo |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
"She lay there cold, a dying form That faded over time A single beast, a naked ruin A proof of wasted crime. " I dont even kno what to say....amazing...absolutely amazing ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
Absolute sugoiness! This was a wonderful write, Leah-chan. And that is all I really have to say about this poem coz otherwise I'd ramble and give everyone a headache and, given the time of evening which I'm writing this, that would not be a good thing. ^_^ Thankies for the read! Really enjoyed it! - holatuwol ... ... Bah! I can't post a short post. x_x; It's a curse, I tell you, it's a curse! Short posts aren't really in my books, and so, hence, you will have to deal with a really long post. Although... not really "really" long because I'm tired and need to go to sleep but... o.o; Anyhow. *two thumbs up* ^^ For some reason, my favorite was the way the ending broke off of the last stanza. It just seemed really really stylistically perfect-working to have it function that way. ^_^ And the rhymes gave the poem a rhythm which was interrupted by the line break, which made it seem all the better placed. ^_^v I thought the flow was excellent... the rhymes gave the poem a definitive beat and rhythm to it... but the sophistication of the images that you painted and the sugoiness of the echo that you had made the poem more pretty than lame. ^_^ There's a cute innocent charm to it all the while, which gives the poem even more stars in the bonus points book. ^_^ This ish easily one of the favorite reads of this evening so far... thank you muchlies for the high-caliber, absolutely stunning, really really awe-inspiring work that you have here. ^_^v Ooh, and the world isn't yours. ISH MINE!!! *evil cackles* Anyhows... ja matta ne! - holatuwol (he who says 'cute' enough times to make you believe that there really is no other way to say it despite what the thesaurus might try to convince you of...) |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Leah, truth be told, you, along with Jeff, are two of the most wonderful poets I've ever seen. Your work is simply beautiful, true art. I adore this poem, very well written. It better not be taken out of the forum, hehe, that would be a loss. Great write, I look forward to reading more soon. Take care. ~Ali Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel... A tes souhaits... A tes amours... Qu ils restent. Jatdore. |
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Knight of Secrecy Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Great poem Leah. Nicely done. -C.M. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
This is a very nice poem. Great imagery. I loved the way this one read. Jon "Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
This was just so beautiful. I don't know where you pulled all of those words from, but they went together perfectly. I love this!! ~*Nikki*~ ~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~ |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
you are simply amazing Leeyuh là où est mon amour? |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
.....i think MC said it all....all i could manage is a few gurgles and a click for the library. you're poet poet! bleep bleep...excellent poem...keep them coming.. |
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zarina Member
since 2001-05-19
Posts 180 |
waw Leah.. you're great =) I really liked this. I'm always myslef. Isn't that enough for you? |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Wowsers Leah. Really out there, very awe-inspiring....very...you.  You've done another wonderful job with this. The rhyme is spot on and the images are bloody great! Fave lines..ummm....these: "The wounds that bled, a golden shield That kept her body warm From silent death, a lulling song A souless cold transformed." It chilled me to read this so that is nothing but good. Well done once again. ~AF~ Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner. |
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prov1717 Member
since 2001-12-26
Posts 74NE |
i have to say...i absolutely love reading your stuff, this is an amazing poem.....keep them coming. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
"A flight, a breath, a single beat A heart that slowly folds A light, a breath, a flowing tear..." This is beautiful. The meter of the piece is fantastic. The way the rhyme scheme is formed, the internal rhyme makes for a beat on its own. The wording used throughout the poem, every pause, every comma, was wonderfully placed, and the dramatic pause before the last line was perfect. Very well done, Leah. I don't know if you are peeking in PIP every now and then to read the replies to your poems, but if you catch this one, know that I miss you! I hope to talk to you soon. Simply beautiful. --Marie If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the most frustrated people in the world are those who know they're stupid, but keep trying anyway. |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
i liked this poem a lot! great work! robin repeat after me: punk is the best music ever created! |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Well well well, aren't we just writing quite well. Well? Ummmm *smacks himself* So yeah, good job! "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Shygirl82 Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245Ilinois |
Wow...this was really good...the way you put this together just made the poem come alive...wow... ~Nikki~ Smile!! You never know who may be falling in love with it... |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was very good Leah. keep on writing. alby, u speak french? wow..so do i... |
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