Repost of Lost at Sea (edited)

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Crash&Burn
Member

since 2001-01-18

Posts 119

0 posted 2001-11-06 09:32 AM

Well yeah so I decided to actuallyu pay atetion to some advice given to me by a special someone in here *winks at her* and so I edited the poem in order to see if it got any better. Well anyways here it is:

Lost at Sea: (edited)

Faded emotions remembered
through a life I used to live
and yet,
finding nothing in that past existance.

The wind forced a change in my way
and so I went offcourse
drifting far from true love
into a storm of illusions,
bending truth around me
and appesing my hunger with lies.

Although this might grow to hurt
this painful truth teaches me
the harshful truth of a complete life.

So like a dead ship
floating on the water
with the forceful breeze always present
taking me wherever it may go.

But becuase I, myself am motionless
In a vast black sea
Lost in my emotions
provided by the illusions that surround me.

With nowhere to go
and no one to guide me
I look for counsil in the stars
wishing for an essence,
a light, an answer,
wishing for her
to show me the way.

ok so yea I hope it did get any better

I see the darkness coming all is bleak...

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

1 posted 2001-11-06 10:39 AM

Well, I don't really remember the first one.

My bad. I sorry...

But I personally enjoyed this one a whole lot. I can understand and relate to your words well. Everything happens for a reason though, perhaps that other path was not meant for you; or perhaps you were meant to see other things before living that other life of yours.

Great write.

Jenn

"I want love on my own terms; after everything I've ever learned. Me, I carry too much baggage..."

A Square Paraboloid
New Member

since 2001-11-06

Posts 8

2 posted 2001-11-06 03:29 PM

I did not have the opportunity to read the first rendition of this piece, but I am happy that I did read this. The all-familiar loss of direction and loss of self was accurately portrayed with your ocean analogy. I enjoyed and connected with this art greatly.

A Square Paraboloid

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2001-11-06 04:29 PM

I did not read the first version either, but must say that the imagery was to my liking. Good work.

Theo

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

4 posted 2001-11-06 10:48 PM

yes, i remeber reading the first one. i liked it more images and perhaps more emotions...i think you did well on both of them...much enjoyed.

=)

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-11-28 05:07 AM

The ending was pure beauty. You did amazing on the revised version!!!
Your fart icon sucks though

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

6 posted 2001-12-24 01:36 AM

As always, twas much enjoyed by me...(Suprise, Suprise)...LOL, I'm with Javier though...The fart icon sucks arse...Yet it wouldn't be a true "Jorge Poem" if it didn't have the icon...So ya, icon all ya want.LOL

"I'd rather die purposely alone than to have lived an accidental life of solitude."- Jesa "§ùgã®" Thompson

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