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Teen Poetry #5
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Mortar and Pestilence
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Mortar and Pestilence |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg 
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Mortar and Pestilence Good eve, my Love and Savior true I have a bone to pick with You These bones I know not of They're bleached and broken down by You Empowdered by Your love So square You stand, a being great With bliss for death to compensate and gifts to those who bow My eyes stare high and dialate To bend, they know not how So, if You dare, peruse a glance beneath the cries of holy chants the muffled weary groan There lies a child, in battle stance His sight with eyes his own You know the rank and filthy home That hate and love will seldom roam Yet seldom's something still It's nestled in the gristled loam A hopeful skeptic pill And deep beneath the hairs and sands Are darker, more encroaching lands That beckon those who live And follow not? With humans hands that rape as soon as give? Do You, my less-than-humble Lord A thinker's hand so much afford as those who see you not? Your mercy's to the underchored whose minds so gaily rot I'll give You not Your hatred back Release Your paint from canvas black and let it black remain Your paintbrush can but maim and hack Your portrait is a stain [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (edited 11-05-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! display of your written words are truly beautiful...your writing holds depth as from what i see...i thought the "aabab" rym scheme was done well...enjoyed fully and hope to see you read, share and reply more, until then. =) |
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Knight of Secrecy Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113San Juan, Puerto Rico |
WoW. Great First post. Your style reminds me of my own poetry in a way I don't know why. Keep posting! -C.M. |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Welcome once again!!  I really enjoyed this, so serious, so beautiful, so...refined.It was an excellent first post. I'm waiting for more!! Jenn "I want love on my own terms; after everything I've ever learned. Me, I carry too much baggage..." |
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Greeneyes7 Junior Member
since 2001-11-05
Posts 16Illinois |
What a wonderful poem. Deep. Extremely deep. Or at least my interpretation of it was. Thank you for sharing it with me and the rest of passion posters. Life is what you make it. Live each day as if it was your last. |
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Barelybreathing Junior Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 46 |
This is a great poem..the entire poem flowed well and the last stanza ended it beautifully..loved the choice of words...dark..my fave stanza: 'You know the rank and filthy home That hate and love will seldom roam Yet seldom's something still It's nestled in the gristled loam A hopeful skeptic pill' and most of all I loved the ending: 'Your paintbrush can but maim and hack Your portrait is a stain' awesome keep writing. 'The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one's own.' |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Thank you all. I value your feedback greatly. You are all good writers too from what I have seen. Theo |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! I can't wait to read more of your work!!! Awesome first post! ~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!? |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
"Your mercy's to the underchored whose minds so gaily rot" PWOOOOoooOOOoOOOOooAR!! now this i like VERY much thanks theo! its very well written- i can see that you put a lot of time and effort into this piece. the imagery was vividly painted in my head and i must say that this was an amazing first post! oh and i knew i had my manners in my pocket cuz id like to give a big:   Welcome Theo!! have fun toots! and make sure you reply and post and reply and post and reply till yer wee hearts content!  |
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DawnG
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494United States |
This is a totally awesome first post. Thanks for sharing. Dawn |
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A Square Paraboloid New Member
since 2001-11-06
Posts 8 |
Well hello, Theo. I see that you have allowed yourself to express again. I enjoyed your piece very much, and can understand its contents as well. I think I would respond the same way. This place is nice, from what I have seen. Everyone is talented and pleasant. Awaiting your next masterpiece, love. A Square Paraboloid [This message has been edited by A Square Paraboloid (edited 11-06-2001).] |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Hello there Theo! I promised I'd respond and here I am! I don't have much to say on this one other than..Wow. This was beautifully written. The flow was great, no doubt. The rhymes weren't forced which always adds to the piece. Wonderful poem to introduce yourself with. I look forward to reading more of your work! Take care and keep writing. ~Ali Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel... A tes souhaits... A tes amours... Qu ils restent. Jatdore. |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! WoW, i dont even know what to say (that never happens...)...this poem, especially for a first post, was AMAZING!!! I cant wait to read more from you so PLEASE keep posting!!! Nice to have you here at pip w/us Welcome!!ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Welcome to passions, thank you for sharing such a wonderful piece of poetry with us... your first post as well.... Hope you have a good time here and I look forward to reading more "The feelings are replaced, And the words have all decayed, But it's another day ,it's another day" - My Vitriol "The gentle art of choking" |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! This was written sooooo well!!! I love the form you used with this piece, as it was a bit different than that which I usually see. Great work! ~*Nikki*~ ~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Amazing job!! I really think you have a talent. I didn't like the flow because you come off with awesome flow the first two verses of each stanza, and break off into shorter syllable counts the 3rd and 5th verses. I understand, this is a style, but not one I fancy. Anyhow, that is an OPINION. As far as the poem itself goes, the style, you wrote it well. You complied with it rather justifiably and I hope to read your work more often....I find time to be challenging to spare lately, sorry. ANyhow, well done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
And deep beneath the hairs and sands Are darker, more encroaching lands That beckon those who live And follow not? With humans hands that rape as soon as give? Do You, my less-than-humble Lord A thinker's hand so much afford as those who see you not? Your mercy's to the underchored whose minds so gaily rot I'll give You not Your hatred back Release Your paint from canvas black and let it black remain Your paintbrush can but maim and hack Your portrait is a stain ================================== me thinks you bleed cadence my poet pal... and talk rhyme in your sleep. now...back to stalking me fav bug poet  |
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