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Missthang
Member

since 2001-07-03

Posts 103

0 posted 2001-10-24 10:20 PM

I'll place my hands upon your head
And take away your pain.
Before I'll sit and watch you cry
I'll live in vain.

I'll touch your eyes and help you see
The light at the end of the tunnel.
Guide you in the right path
No matter how subtle.

Let me be your miracle worker
I'll help you live worry free.
Even though people tell me
I live my life unrealistically.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

1 posted 2001-10-24 11:21 PM

nice Miss..very nice. sumtimes you just have to sit down and ask that ppl turn to you when they need help. i know ive done that a bit recently. i liked this poem very much, but the one thing that i felt pulled its corners a bit where the last lines of each stanza- you had the second and last lines rhyme with each other but the rythm they held went a bit higgledy piggledy. it made your flow go off at a tangent. other then that it was fine

"......",said the wise mute.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2001-10-24 11:32 PM

i'm not sure i like the last stanza all that much. it's good, just not great.

i really enjoyed the first two though, except your rhythm was really off in the last lines, or last two of each stanza.

you should tweak around with it, and be sure to let me see the end result.

i can't wait to hear it.

i love what you have so far though!!

- jen

so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2001-10-24 11:52 PM

I agree with Cherish and Jen about the whole last two lines. Otherwise it's a great poem! Keep it up!

It takes more work to love myself than to love others... I guess that explains it, eh?

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

4 posted 2001-10-25 09:25 AM

Yes I agree about the end with the flow variation. But you know what I say to rythym, flow, and ryhming...? BAH! I don't even think it matters much. Just write from the heart, and get it down on paper. Which you have done rather well I see. Nice!!

Jenn

"I want love on my own terms; after everything I've ever learned. Me, I carry too much baggage..."

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