Teen Poetry #5 |
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Sun |
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ForeverMyOwn Junior Member
since 2001-11-23
Posts 13Brighton, MI |
The sun shines, a cloud rains. In a way that's mine, I release the pain. This is the only time im happy, doin' what I love. If others think its sappy, I'll show'em what im made of. Round and round we run, with nowhere left to go. 0ther lifes i shun, my own is all I know. The sun shines, a cloud rains. In a way that's mine, I release the pain. |
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© Copyright 2002 James Bicknell - All Rights Reserved | |||
-Queth- Junior Member
since 2002-02-10
Posts 35Canada |
This was a nice short piece. I personally love the sun, although it's not great when you're practically blinded by it...but what can you do besides cover it with a cardboard cloud? -grin- Small sugggestion: {This is the only time im happy, doin' what I love. If others think its sappy, I'll show'em what im made of.}- To me, the "of" at the end made this stanza feel incomplete, as if there was something that was to come afterwards. Is it possible to reword it? I don't think it's anything major though. Just another two-headed opinion. -smile- Other than that, this was a good poem! Keep it up! Q.u.e.t.h. Everything in between... |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
ForeverMyOwn- I love this. I particularly enjoyed these lines... "The sun shines, a cloud rains. In a way that's mine, I release the pain." Very nicely said. ![]() Hugs, ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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xShUgArHiGhx![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This was such a great piece Forever ![]() iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf.. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
This likes me very much! ![]() |
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