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Chasing The Wind
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Chasing The Wind |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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If I could just find the words, if I could just reach the top, if I could just pull the answer, out of my hat, like one of those children's magicans, who never share their secrets, then maybe I could tell you exactly what I think of you. I think you never understood, though you always tried. I think you're never coming back, and I think I gave you a reason. I think you're happier w/ her, and I know she's controllling you. I think that trying to love you is like trying to chase the wind. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
This poem doesn't fit right... gotta love the title (wind chasing! FUN!), but somehow the entire poem doesn't piece together *at all*. At least, for me, I thought that this piece was seriously lacking in the depth department, mainly because of the idea that I felt completely blah when I started reading the poem and continued feeling blah (with no change) afterwards... no thought invoking, nothing. There's some element of real tangible emotion missing here, and there's no sense of the wind-chasing occurring except the brief mention of it in the last line. I think that the theme is concrete, and it's easily very cliché in comparison to the other poems posted recently (which, as far as I've seen with only a few exceptions, are very cliché with overused words and dead in terms of emotion)... but the title in of itself screams out the idea that this poem could easily have lots of potential. Use wind imagery. Use wind emotions. Use the intangibility of the wind as a focus on how you describe what's going on. Talk about chasing things which are tangible for contrast, talk about what he means to you, how his heart is like the wind, slipping through your nets as you try to capture him, while someone else traps him in a jar or blows him around with paper fans. SOMETHING, anything which gives images of wind would be a MAJOR improvement to this piece. Don't take my suggestions about what to use... come up with your own ideas about how to make 'wind' become a lingering image on a REREAD of the poem (doesn't have to be easily seen the first time through). Overall, it's kind of a blah poem, but you really could work on it to provide a really pretty piece by adding in images and feelings and either distance or depth. FOCUS on the wind, and make sure that you're the one being controlled by the wind to write about it and not you trying to tame the wind (although, the struggle could produce a nice piece, but it doesn't generally form well in free verse)... keep your heart flighty when you wrote, or the poem's going to read terribly and not feel like 'chasing the wind'. Just my two cents on how you can improve it. Until next time. - holatuwol |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
*nods* I guess I would have to agree  But I think part of it may have been how you started off with the "If I" pattern and all of a sudden you broke from it. And after that, no real pattern ever emerged. This kept it from ever really flowing smoothly. But I really like the idea, I think you should concentrate more on the last majority of what you've already written and try to form some sort of pattern from that, and then continue on through with it, because this really could be a most wonderful poem! Thanks for the read!~Ali Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel. |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Thanks for the constructive critsim guys. I read it and I agree w/ you. I've been away for a while, and I haven't been writing much, so I'm trying to get back into the swing of things........ |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
One thing I try to rationalize when I read a poem is whether a poem was written just to simply express what they feel, or whther it was written to express and make a great poem out of it too. I do nt criticize much because a poem is someone's feelings and it's like criticizing what they feel. I loved the read and will always love expressive poems. Something that easily puts you in the heart of the writer. ANd I do believe that you have done this. Thanks for sharing Allysa, keep em coming....  hi Sweets/puff puff/bubbles  , Lizzy  , Jesa  , Ina  , Allysa  , Marie  , Cherish  , Jenn  , Minna  , Chelsea  , Leah  , Kimmie  , Ashley  , Smurfy  , Stace  , Alexia  , PG01  , Alyssa  , AP87  , Kamie  , Kari  , Nan  , Sea  , Javi  , Zu  , Lml  , Albertia  , Linc  , Jesse  , Sky  , Kris  , |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Hmm..i've never tried chasing the wind but i can imagine how difficult and irritating it would be..which lets me understand just how difficult of a time ur going through ::hugs:: I hope things get better for you |
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