You Seemed to Be So Right (Collaboration poem with a friend)

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Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

0 posted 2001-10-10 12:05 PM

Sitting there as a precious flower,
Laced with a thorny stem,
You seemed to be so right,
Your eyes glittering like a stolen gem.

You stole my heart like a thief in the night,
From afar you seemed so right,
Could you be the one I dreamed of all my life?
It seems as though you’ve drawn your knife.

You’ve stabbed me once, it seems,
Why do I want to come back for more?
You just seemed to be so right,
I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Even though you’ve forsaken me,
I still love you anyway,
How could I be so blind?
How could I not see the way you’re treating me?

Maybe you blinded me, maybe I’m deaf,
You just seemed to be so right,
Maybe you killed me,
But I’ll be gone by tonight.

I will not take
I will not anymore
This love can linger
I will not give in
This relationship has come to an end.
---------
A collaboration with a friend from school, Christina Hollis...whom I didn't think to be very poetic..seems she surprised me.

-Adam

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggy' while you search for a rock." - Will Rogers

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2001-10-10 01:06 AM

Right on! This is so cool! There's gotta be a deeper message, but I'm too tired to think about it. Sometimes the ones who don't seem to be poetic are the best poets in the world. (*ahem* me-- kidding!)

If you define cowardice as running away and screaming at the first sign of danger, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

katherine
Member

since 2000-06-10

Posts 365
Canberra Australia

2 posted 2001-10-10 02:41 AM

this is great. you'll find people are always able to surprise you.

"by takeing no risks you are really risking everything"
Vic's RE book

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

3 posted 2001-10-10 03:03 AM

this is very well done adam. its a bit different to your more recent poems, but really good nonetheless. thanks for sharing this buddy. i liked it a lot- it explored a different branch of falling out of love. good job

The day I stopped loving I died.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

4 posted 2001-10-10 11:37 AM

Yes you were wrong. It's a great piece from the two of you. So full of emotion.
Thanks for sharing it though. I did enjoy reading this a lot.

Keep writing.

~AF~

"I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you"
Nelly Furtado - On the radio

AngelPoet87
Member

since 2001-04-21

Posts 280
Indy

5 posted 2001-10-10 08:38 PM

You didn't tell me you and Christina were working on something together

Well great job to the both of you, hopes to talk to ya soon hun, take care, keep writing.

~Ali

Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel.

Honey
Member

since 2001-10-09

Posts 92
Hot girl From Canada

6 posted 2001-10-10 11:48 PM

Wow, this was fantastic
It's going in the library!

It Feels As If I've Always Been Someone On The Outside Looking In.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

7 posted 2001-10-11 01:48 PM

This was really good! I enjoyed it a lot

This collaboration seemed to work out nicely..great job and keep em comin!

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

8 posted 2001-10-12 01:44 AM

the thing was, i found it hard to distinguish the rhyming pattern.

you'd lead down one path, and then decide to change it in the next stanza.

in the beginning it seems as though you're going for rhyme and rhythm which sounds so great when done right, but then you seem to venture off more into freeverse.

what i'm trying to say is this. where are you going? what is the rhyme pattern? what style of poem is this? maybe you should think about it a little and then start to play around with it a bit.

but it has so much to it. i love the line 'you just seemed to be so right'. you've captured something in right there.

i'd love to see what you do with this piece.

- jen

so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

9 posted 2001-10-12 10:37 AM

I think the reason that it turned out that way Jen is because it WAS a collaboration poem. Only half of that poem is my actual work...the other half was written by my friend. I see what you mean how to seemed to drift like that. I'm personally not very fond of the last stanza at all.

-Adam

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggy' while you search for a rock." - Will Rogers

~gretchenp34~
Junior Member

since 2001-10-08

Posts 46
Ohio, USA

10 posted 2001-10-12 08:46 PM

omg i love that poem!!!!! that is just soooo sweet!!!!! thanks for puttin that up there, i enjoy a good read

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

11 posted 2001-10-13 06:04 PM

the emotional content with the questions were nicely wriiten...the ending came out differnet from what i would of thought...i enjoyed this VERY much.

=)

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

12 posted 2001-10-20 04:42 PM

OOoooo!
What a spectacular poem...Loved every bit of it... The last stanza kinda was a bit "blah" for me though- I think it could have been done a lil better than that... But wow to the poem content...Some of the lines in there blew me away! Loved the "Drawn your knife" line

Every now and then I like to stick my foot in my mouth...

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

13 posted 2001-10-20 06:18 PM

Yeah...I didn't like the last stanza either, but the person I worked on it with wrote it, and she didn't want to change it. So I guess it's stuck there.

-Adam

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