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Teen Poetry #5
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The war within his head
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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The war within his head |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The last line seems out when you first read it so it may take a few times to read through to actually catch the flow of it. Enjoy.  The war within his head Flourishing in a sea of rage This angel strummed guitars Made from bones of rusty men The lives of tortured souls. Fires lamenting the gloomy day Each illusion came to be The battle of a titan's war And black dreams of the dead. Yet proclaiming he a pacifist The song rang out afar. And did eclipse the lovers heart Fair palms of secrecy. Scorched under a brazen sun The pending trial did cease Yet in the shadows devils did wait To strike this lonely case. Precarious actions from these hands Labelled he profane The prodigy angel in the darkness Graceless he became. And in the distance single notes Rang out in tune with death Back in the fire he sought refuge And eased the war within his head. ~AF~ Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!! |
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| © Copyright 2001 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
These was overwelming. I thought it was amazing, I was listening to it while listening to Staind's "Change" perfect match. try it some time. your best piece in my opinon. Regina definte libary piece If you only understood my pain then maybe you could learn to be my friend. Be there. My crying shoulder. The smiles. And the caring i need to survive. |
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scout Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175no place owns me |
I really liked this one. Thanx for sharing. xscoutx |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Mouth dropping piece here. Each line was amazingly written. I loved this, AF. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
"The prodigy angel in the darkness Graceless he became. And in the distance single notes Rang out in tune with death" There was something in these lines that I really liked. I cant quite put my finger on it exactly, I just know I really enjoyed them. The poem was wonderful. And the last line was fine. Most poems can be read differently by different people, so it does take a little rereading to get the flow of the poem sometimes. It was fine though. *Amanda* |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
wow!...this had some amazing imagery...the meaning in this poem...had soOo much behind it...love your writing...an awesome job..as always ...glad to see you post again too...as i hope to see more...bye eJ  [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 07-01-2001).] |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is a very good poem, EJ. I really enjoyed this... the meter was right on, so the flow worked out perfectly until the last line, hehe, but I'll get to that in a second. First of all, the whole language of this poem is very professional. I enjoyed every word I read... beautiful thoughts you portray here. I think one thing could change if at all possible... The flow wasn't as good as it could be if this poem rhymed. If you worked out some sort of rhyme scheme and put it into this poem, it would completely 100% rock. The last stanza has a rhyme scheme going, and I really liked what you did with it. One suggestion to maybe help out is this: The rhyme scheme is broken once, in the sixth line of the last stanza. That can be easily fixed, and in the process, it can also fix that last line that you are a little worried about. What you have right now reads: "And in the distance single notes Rang out in tune with death Back in the fire he sought refuge And eased the war within his head." The sixth line can be changed to: "Rang out in tune with the dead" and that can fix the rhyme scheme and the bit of a flow problem you have there. That's my two cents... I think this is an excellently written poem. You did a very nice job, and I enjoyed it bunches. I hope my suggestions help a little Well done! --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 07-02-2001).] |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Thanks guys and thank you tons Marie. I'm taking a look at the piece now. Your suggestions are much appreciated. ~AF~ Never speak disrespectfully of Society. Only people who can't get into it do that. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I really liked this one Liz. One of my favorites from you. I like the little musical references within the piece with the angels and them strumming guitars. I'm sure you can guess why. I thought you kind of flowed off in some points in the poem, but all in all it rocked and I liked the style it was written in. Nicely done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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angel_2401 Member
since 2001-06-12
Posts 131Cincinnati, OH |
This is good, and I thought it flowed nicely. I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
This piece is really good. I totally got into it. It's one of your better poems in my opinion. Great job Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Thankya people. The piece is still under revision in Santas Workshop at the moment but it should be on display soon. Fingers cross the elves don't try and eat this one like they did with the chocolate beans...curse them! Never speak disrespectfully of Society. Only people who can't get into it do that. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Lizzy, you are amazing This poem has my jaw on the floor right now I can't believe what I just read This is outstanding Thanks for sharing it *standing ovation* hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
oh this was awesome! Maybe one of my fav's by you. You've become one of my fav poets in pip i love everything you write so keep posting!*dq **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
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Julian L. Chester Member
since 2001-06-05
Posts 50 |
i liked this poem very much it only took a few seconds to get the flow of this one. its very deep if when you read it you get into it like your actually playing a role in the poem. i like that in poems to where i can read it and put myself into the poem no matter what the poem is about and that how i find this poem very remarkable. |
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lil_pwheeler Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 39here |
Wow, uhhh what can i say. Ausome. A lot of power behind your words here.Keep it up *Pat* No one dies a virgin, life screws us all |
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Delirious_Smurf Member
since 2001-08-08
Posts 90Nothingness,P.R. |
Wow awesome poem. I loved everything about it.  I'm a professional happy puppet. |
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