Without You (I need opinions bad on this one)

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Teen Poetry #5

Without You (I need opinions bad on this one)

a.k.a.maLa
Junior Member

since 2001-06-08

Posts 15
Florida, USA

0 posted 2001-09-07 03:45 PM

I am debating whether or not to give this to my ex, so any feedback would be fabulous. Thanks so much.

Without you my soul is dissonant
All I feel now is a cool breeze
Shadows of what used to be are slowly erased
I imbibe the facsilime of faux harmony
Synthetic prowess and bravado drenched with cheap enlaid memories
Conceal my nostalgia for what we had
And everywhere I look the endless sky
And blinding sun scream your name as incessantly
As the neverending hummingbird song
I can't suppress my love that heightens everyday
The centripetal force around your serene smile
Makes me want to believe
It's unstoppable that as the scenery grows
So does my longing and I'll never forget

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2001-09-07 04:51 PM

I liked this, but, and really, I don't mean to seem harsh, but you asked, I think some of the wording is a bit much. He'd need a thesaurus to understand what you mean. But the point is made nicely and I did like it.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

2 posted 2001-09-08 02:40 AM

I'm just AMAZED at how someone could give another something as meaningful as this....It makes you vulnerable to him...How do you do that??? Ugh! I have tried and tried and I just can't force myself to stop being a big chicken! hehehe.. Anyway...I thought the wording was pretty okay...There was one sentence, maybe 2 that I though went a lil over board- but thats about it. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it bunches...

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

3 posted 2001-09-08 02:40 AM

Considering I don't know the circumstances of the breakup, I can't really be one to say whether or not to give this piece to him.
It is obvious how much you like him this however if the feeling isn't returned it will only bring you more heart ache.

I liked the piece. Thought you did really well on it.

~AF~

"Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?"

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