Tell me what you think? i think it needs work!

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Teen Poetry #5

Tell me what you think? i think it needs work!

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

0 posted 2001-08-31 03:44 AM

Changed your every move,
Locked to him although he’s free.

Your beam has gone,
Died when he stopped loving you.
And stars don’t shine any more,
He packed up and stole them too.

And light which lit your face at night,
Turned dark and cold and far from bright.

Words which flew,
Elevated by love and meaning.
Your sentences erased,
He took your speech when leaving.

Serenades and love filled songs,
Replaced with hate and a thousand wrongs.

Changed your every move,
Locked to him although he’s free.

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

1 posted 2001-08-31 11:52 PM

I don't want to sound negative, but to me the meaning was pretty vague. Maybe a few more lines would help clarify what is going on. Other than that, I think it's on its way.

"and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

2 posted 2001-09-01 03:53 AM

I like this poem and there are a few changes you can make but it's not bad at all.Keep up the great work!
Lauren

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