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Open Poetry #14
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He Loves Me Not
| Open Poetry #14 |
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He Loves Me Not |
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RebeccaJoy Junior Member
since 2001-05-30
Posts 35 |
This afternoon I tried to sleep Cuddled up on the couch So cold So very cold And I and the rain fell no particular direction in mind but down to land without care I'm so lost This is me without you Stripped bare Everything I tried to be puddled in the mud Discarded without care and spit upon and then he walked away |
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| © Copyright 2001 Rebecca Joy - All Rights Reserved | |||
Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
So sad and so well done. Keep your chin up, gal  Live for love. Without love, you don't live. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
"And I and the rain fell no particular direction in mind but down" Rain doesn't have any choice than to fall down, but you do have a choice to raise your spirit again (in a while) Very nice written RebeccaJoy Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Watersign6 Senior Member
since 2001-05-25
Posts 823Hurricane,WV |
very good Rebeccajoy |
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Death Member
since 2001-05-26
Posts 112Twilight |
Listen to the rain no not with ears but heart pumping life if you listen closely you will hear it call your name in music adoreing I have a friend who once said-"Sooner or later, Death makes a believer out of just about everyone." |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Sad...I touched with this one.. Enjoyed. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Yep this is the way it feels when it doesn't work out as expected...James |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
no one should feel this way....  Kathleen Blake |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
You've expressed your pain well, it would be so wonderful if not so many people would have to experience such a feeling, nor inflict it upon another. The only thing I would do for the poem is use you instead of he in the walking away line. The middle of the poem sounds as though you are speaking to the tormentor, the betrayer, and then the last statement is as if it's to the reader. This poem is so powerful, extremely powerful, but for that tiny, tiny necessary change. I hope you don't mind me saying so, but this is just too good for me not to speak of it. I'll be watching for more of your poetry and will hope more positive feelings will be occurring for you soon. You seem to have a wonderful heart and having it broken is just too awful. I especially like the comparison of you and the rain falling in no particular direction. Very vivid!!! [This message has been edited by VAS (edited 06-02-2001).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This is wonderfully written...love the style, and the melancholy tone...superb. I'll also be watching out for more of your work...  KIt is to do with tree-ferns: |
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SilentSongs Junior Member
since 2001-05-31
Posts 43Mist of Time |
Loves you not I hear the song his self imposed dirge love you slef imposed mournful melody so sings the wind so beats the heart of time so ends all perhaps he has plummeted one intisemely tiny straw you know what love is everything and all broken under the weight tis life next he cares does he wail in the wind hoel like wolf at bay did he speak of loves betrayels of the love the rightness the future might prevail all that he would be did he sing Misty mroning melodies forever one herts trample night dead now dead life fought his wars while generals lied to those on battelefield his scars have caught him now bleeding life the stain of illusions mark him drive him from this race of human kind he bleeds no doubt for you even now "The past my prison, confined in solitary voiceless penance." [This message has been edited by SilentSongs (edited 06-03-2001).] |
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