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| Open Poetry #14 |
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Jonathon A. Lowry Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 38 |
the day i felt my life was a trial is the day my life stood still i was beginning the morning running a mile when i fell over and excruciating pain is all i could feel as i laid on the road my life in the air i lied here thinking of what was happening and why i never cared i began to think of my daughter the one i never seen i also thought of my wife and when she left me i refused to believe but when i laid on the road my life floating in front of my eyes i decided to make a change but then i died |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jonathon A. Lowry - All Rights Reserved | |||
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MARK V SHELDON Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015In a corporeal internship... |
A second chance may never come -- that's why it's so important to savour the moment and truly appreciate life while you're living it. Strong thoughts here, Jonathon... you may consider tightening the middle part a little bit, flow-wise ("i lied here thinking of what was happening and why i never cared"). Half the challenge in the technical parts of writing "tight" poetry is in expressing your message and thoughts by juggling tons of different words until the pieces fit "perfectly" (rhyming, flowing, and expressing)... THAT'S when it becomes really fun and "artful"... -MVS "If you think you know it all, you have a lot to learn." |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Well Jonathan dear, you should make the changes before you die, didn't you know?  Love your poem, but frankly I hate the 'i', it doesn't look nice in a poem, it makes it restless Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
*S...well it seems like you received some critiquing whether you wanted it or not..but sometimes a little, just makes your poetry that much nicer.... I was told that when something that happens to you Jonathon, maybe it's time to reinvent yourself...I prefer to say I want to become the me I once was. huggss ~Wynter "The worst prison would be a closed heart". |
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