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Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2001-06-07 06:24 PM

Com’on take a ride with me.
Com’on lady ride and be.
You’ll see the black of night
And big ‘ol blue sea.

Wake up! Flying through the air.
Wake up! Running hands through your hair.
Lady won’t you sleep with me
and we’ll dream as if you care.

Com’on baby lets take a trip.
Com’on baby just a little sip.
Your parents won’t mind.
Hell…they won’t give a flip.

Wake up! Grab on hold me tight.
Wake up! It will be quite a sight.
We’ll drive across the ocean
Through the sun into the night.

[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 06-07-2001).]

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

1 posted 2001-06-07 06:41 PM

Hello Effigy, love your poem, but one suggestion, make the fontsize a bit smaller, that will be more agreable to read and keep the lines together.

Enjoyed the message

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace&naventryid=100

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

2 posted 2001-06-07 06:46 PM

very cool piece!

Watersign6
Senior Member

since 2001-05-25

Posts 823
Hurricane,WV

3 posted 2001-06-07 08:30 PM

Effigy

YOU ROCK!!!

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

4 posted 2001-06-08 11:01 AM

Thanks, the font size was a little large.

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

5 posted 2001-06-09 07:47 PM

the font size was what??

great job with this one. . . reminded me a an old style rock n roll song. . .

-------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

6 posted 2001-06-10 11:24 AM

This does certainly jump out at you, I keep thinking of Moonlight Drive by the Doors when I read this poem, except I think it would be sung with gusto and not crooned.

"Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life". Terry Pratchett

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

7 posted 2004-05-07 01:01 PM

You know, I keep saying this, but you've really grown as a poet since we last had a chance to exchange notes. This one is a really great example of that growth. This one sounds a lot like "Shadows 'Cross the Floor"--which is to say that the grammar and the spelling is not as vital as the sound of the poem.

I do have a few suggestions.

Stanza 1 really relies on it's repetition to drive the verse. As such, I think you should change line 4 to continue that repetition, from "And big ‘ol blue sea" to "you'll see the ‘ol blue sea". Also, I'd put a break in the middle of the second line between the words "lady" and "ride". I'd suggest a dash.

In stanza 2 line 2, I'd reverse "running hands" to "hands running". It think it fits your rhythm better.

Stanza three lines 1 & 2 both need some kind of punctuation after baby. I'd suggest a comma. Line 3 of stanza three is I think your weakest line. I'd add a few syllables to it. Try "Your parents they won't really mind".

Ooootherwise it's a great read, its got a bouncy infectious rhythm and the sound of it is positively fun! Great job, Wes.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

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