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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #13 |
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A simple message...my 1st attempt at a sonnet |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
A Simple Message [revised by request] How a simple hello will work wonders Can be totally amazing to me Even more than God’s own rolling thunder It carried the greatest message to me When I am down as I too often am The world makes me sad it is so unfair It’s always putting me in a tight jam Sending me into deep hopeless despair Then as if being watched from high above As a simple message makes its way thru It was from a friend who sent out of love All it said was hi, my friend, how are you I could have cried but all I did was smile So I sent you one to return your smile icyheart may 2001 [This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 05-17-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alan - All Rights Reserved | |||
catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
I like this, and understand it, as well. Sandra |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
these were very sincere words.... Kathleen |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Beautiful Alan...hello |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Alan. Nice first attempt. But double check line 7 - for corrections and clarification. Nice theme too. Your 1st 4 lines need some work tho - the pentameter appears ok but the wording...for instance, you begin with "When" yet it seems to be an incomplete thought " When just a simple hello works wonders " what...? when a simple hello works wonder what happens - this is not completed in the next 3 or 4 lines . do you see what I mean? Gosh I hope cause I'm not sure I can explain it. From line 5 onward this seems ok but your opening line is not a completed one - why not just find another word to replace when ...or since I can't come up with one off hand why not try "Just a simple hello works ( find a 2 syllable word that means 'works')wonders - produces is 3, exerts I'm not sure fits, creates? Just a simple hello creates wonders - then it also ties in with the God's rolling thunder too but more important it is a complete thought not a sentence fragment or whatever- see? I hope that helps a bit but remember it is only my opinion and off the top of my head. To get back to the sonnet- I think you did fine for your first time- you should have seen mine |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Oh Fudge...Panne got to critique this before I could say "check this..." so I will just send my hello to you.... and hope that you smile! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sonnets are my favorite form--seemingly easy yet so complex! (I think I will send mine to Panne for critique first...great job there too, Panne) But I thought you did admirably--and you've inspired me to pull out the Shakespeare again--Donne is a little too much my head today...sigh...nice write!  |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Boy am I glad I did not go to the critique side. Putting all joking aside. I want to thank everyone for their input. I may just try it again. I will correct this one and repost it. Again I thank all of you for your comments |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
sonnets are not easy to write. . . Panne's done a great job with the things that you should look at. . . the one thing that you might try to do too is to read it our loud. . . pay attention to the meter of it. . . I find that that helps me when I'm trying to do anything with meter. . . Good job. . . can't wait to see the revise!!! --------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Secret Whisper Member
since 2001-01-25
Posts 298Through the Looking Glass |
Meaningful words. Very nice sonnet. "What I was living, the same am I now, dead." --Capaneus, THE INFERNO |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I do like your revision quite a lot, Alan! And I find there is no critique needed when the message comes straight from your soul. Well done! |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Sven...thank you for your help I did try it your way and it helped thank you Secret whisper...this is something I do almost everyday...I enjoy sending people little notes Sunshine...thank you |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Alan - A sonnet is something I will not try for sure now! You did a great job on this (but what do I know?). I just love to read poetry, and I loved everything about this! I read it before and after and think it was definitely improved after your revisions though, he he, but there again, what do I know? A beautiful "sonnet" if there ever was one! ~*~ I write ~ Therefore I am ~*~ Homepage: http://www.mysteria-poetry.cityslide.com/contents/contents.cfm/451673 [This message has been edited by Mysteria (edited 05-17-2001).] |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Mysteria....don't give up so easy. Try at least one. There is plenty of great helpers here. Thank you for your kind comments |
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Cheryl Flemming Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 102 |
I think this is beautiful with a wonderful message.I have never written a sonnet but enjoyed yours. |
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