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Open Poetry #13
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Alan
Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499
right next door

0 posted 2001-05-16 07:43 AM


A Simple Message  [revised by request]

How a simple hello will work wonders
Can be totally amazing to me
Even more than God’s own rolling thunder
It carried the greatest message to me
When I am down as I too often am
The world makes me sad it is so unfair
It’s always putting me in a tight jam
Sending me into deep hopeless despair
Then as if being watched from high above
As a simple message makes its way thru
It was from a friend who sent out of love
All it said was hi, my friend, how are you
I could have cried but all I did was smile
So I sent you one to return your smile
icyheart
may 2001



[This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 05-17-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Alan - All Rights Reserved
catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone
1 posted 2001-05-16 07:54 AM


I like this, and understand it, as well.
Sandra

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

2 posted 2001-05-16 11:44 AM


these were very sincere words....

Kathleen

"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass,
and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee


Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546
missouri
3 posted 2001-05-16 12:26 PM


Beautiful Alan...hello
Panne447
Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196
S.A. TX
4 posted 2001-05-16 02:45 PM


Alan. Nice first attempt. But double check line 7 - for corrections and clarification.  Nice theme too. Your 1st 4 lines need some work tho - the pentameter appears ok but the wording...for instance, you begin with "When" yet it seems to be an incomplete thought " When just a simple hello works wonders " what...? when a simple hello works wonder what happens - this is not completed in the next 3 or 4 lines . do you see what I mean? Gosh I hope cause I'm not sure I can explain it. From line 5 onward this seems ok but your opening line is not a completed one - why not just find another word to replace when ...or since I can't come up with one off hand why not try "Just a simple hello works ( find a 2 syllable word that means 'works')wonders - produces is 3, exerts I'm not sure fits, creates?
Just a simple hello creates wonders - then it also ties in with the God's rolling thunder too but more important it is a complete thought not a sentence fragment  or whatever- see? I hope that helps a bit but remember it is only my opinion and off the top of my head.  To get back to the sonnet-
I think you did fine for your first time- you should have seen mine when I thought it was finished - then I reread it and had to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite... good luck with this and looking forward to your reply.  Panne

Decaflame
Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635

5 posted 2001-05-16 03:18 PM


Oh Fudge...Panne got to critique this before I could say "check this..."

so I will just send my hello to you....

and hope that you smile!

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

6 posted 2001-05-16 03:56 PM


sonnets are my favorite form--seemingly easy yet so complex! (I think I will send mine to Panne for critique first...great job there too, Panne) But I thought you did admirably--and you've inspired me to pull out the Shakespeare again--Donne is a little too much my head today...sigh...nice write!  
Alan
Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499
right next door
7 posted 2001-05-16 04:43 PM


Boy am I glad I did not go to the critique side. Putting all joking aside. I want to thank everyone for their input. I may just try it again.  I will correct this one and repost it. Again I thank all of you for your comments
Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA
8 posted 2001-05-16 06:59 PM


sonnets are not easy to write. . . Panne's done a great job with the things that you should look at. . .

the one thing that you might try to do too is to read it our loud. . . pay attention to the meter of it. . . I find that that helps me when I'm trying to do anything with meter. . .

Good job. . . can't wait to see the revise!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Secret Whisper
Member
since 2001-01-25
Posts 298
Through the Looking Glass
9 posted 2001-05-16 07:10 PM


Meaningful words. Very nice sonnet.

"What I was living, the same am I now, dead." --Capaneus, THE INFERNO

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
10 posted 2001-05-17 09:41 AM


I do like your revision quite a lot, Alan!  And I find there is no critique needed when the message comes straight from your soul.

Well done!

Alan
Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499
right next door
11 posted 2001-05-17 11:50 AM


Sven...thank you for your help I did try it your way and it helped thank you

Secret whisper...this is something I do almost everyday...I enjoy sending people little notes

Sunshine...thank you

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
12 posted 2001-05-17 12:17 PM


Alan - A sonnet is something I will not try for sure now!  You did a great job on this (but what do I know?).  I just love to read poetry, and I loved everything about this!  I read it before and after and think it was definitely improved after your revisions though, he he, but there again, what do I know?  A beautiful "sonnet" if there ever was one!

~*~ I write ~ Therefore I am ~*~
Homepage: http://www.mysteria-poetry.cityslide.com/contents/contents.cfm/451673

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (edited 05-17-2001).]

Alan
Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499
right next door
13 posted 2001-05-17 12:20 PM


Mysteria....don't give up so easy. Try at least one. There is plenty of great helpers here.
Thank you for your kind comments

Cheryl Flemming
Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 102

14 posted 2001-05-17 10:24 PM


I think this is beautiful with a wonderful message.I have never written a sonnet but enjoyed yours.
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