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On Windy Messages And Innoncence Searching
| Open Poetry #13 |
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On Windy Messages And Innoncence Searching |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL 
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Hmm...Is there anything wrong with my use of tense here? Anyone who understands what I'm asking...I'd appreciate some thoughts. Facing upward toward the sun, As thoughts formed and arose, From the depths of a mind released, A message fluttered in the breeze, And the seagulls caught it within their feathers. The message of peace, Beguiled with blinking flirty lashes, And awakened a serenity muse, As I watched the waves caress already moist sand. Delicate imprints of tiny happy feet, Left their story as a poet heard, Past laughter, seashell gathering, and sandbucket adventures. Oh to enjoy a beach as a child does, To be far less involved with ourselves, And more involved with the simple joy, Of romping, giggling, and trying to walk against the waves, While the same sunshine that shone on us once, When we were younger and more carefree, Bathed us and satiated summer joy and restlessness. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jennifer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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inot2B Member Elite
since 2000-09-18
Posts 2205Arkansas |
I will gladly trade in my adult evil heart, for just one day on the beach as a child. |
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Greeneyes  
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Temptress, Actually you used 'tense correctly....in every aspect of the word and meaning of the poem, you took a childhood memory and flashed it on the screen with the present time, of how you would like things to be....of how you wish to go back and be a child/kid again laughing and playing in simple times, when life wasnt hard.... let me know If I am wrong in assuming here...ok and for me, you brought back so many wonderful memories of growing up on the ocean side, and the simple times of life...thank you....be well hugs to you....  Lauren~ **** Nothing Beautiful In This World Is Ever Really Lost All Things Beloved Live on In Our Hearts...Forever." [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (edited 05-14-2001).] |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
Nope, I liked the way that you used the tense here. . . it helped me realize that we're flashing from one point and one time to another in this one. . . I like it. . . good job!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Ahhh this is lovely, thanks for bringing back the memories Maree |
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Irie Senior Member
since 1999-12-01
Posts 1493Washington State |
Oh to be that way again! Excellent piece of work Temptress. I so much enjoyed feeling the sun, tasting the salty air and feeling sand under my feet! ~*Sigh*~ ~Sheri "The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first" [This message has been edited by Irie (edited 05-15-2001).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
tense is fine, Temptress. One could say the poem is in-tense  very nicely done.... |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Very nice, bringing happy thoughts. Tense seems fine to me as well. Sandra |
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Coal Surrender Member
since 2001-04-01
Posts 84U.S. |
Ever so weaving, intricate and ardent, your writing always catches me in a most enjoyable tangle. Coal |
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PoeticKnight Senior Member
since 2000-01-20
Posts 1144New Orleans, LA |
Everything is fine with tense...perfect. I agree with Inot2b, I would trade my evil adult heart in also...for just one day on that beach. |
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