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Open Poetry #13
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Atoms in August ......Panne
| Open Poetry #13 |
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Atoms in August ......Panne |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Atoms in August Instant stark white cosmic flashbulb fusion catches everybody by surprise surrounding all. Mrs. Miyamoto crumbles to ash. The plant she was watering became one with her soul. Her son’s first birthday lasted forever. Strange beginnings for Hiroshima’s morning. Three days later, between mouthfuls of an early lunch of cold rice, Mr. Nagamora fixes his camera when the flash gun accidentally fires twice in succession. On the second burst of light his image is transferred to the wall, disintegrates and disappears within the vapors along with everything around the soot that he became. When the fireball died it became a sixty thousand foot cloud that rose within 300 seconds into Nagasaki’s summer air and hung darkly changing the seasons forever. Panne © 2000 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Panne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jellybean King Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 153Jelly, Bean |
This is great...I really enjoyed it! I liked the imagery of becoming one with the plant...birthday lasting forever...your imagery of the atomic bomb was golden...the photograph...changing the seasons forever. Your factual tone contrasted nicely with this theme...I think it would have been less effective had you put in a lot of emotional elements. I also noticed the visual presentation...kind'a looks like a mushroom cloud rising in the sky. Jellybean King |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
"and hung darkly changing the seasons forever." A haunting poem that grabbed at the pit of my stomach. All around great job done here Panne. Mike |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Thank you both. JB - you got it all - I am so pleased and you are right - I was going for the mushroom cloud. I am thrilled you caught it. Mike, thanks a million. I kinda liked that line too but didn't see the portent or import til a friend pointed it out. Glad you saw it too. Thank you both for your insights and comments. Panne An aside: After I wrote this I saw an old movie on tv called 'The Day After' and the special effects in there not only brought this to life for me but made me quite ill and very upset. What promted this was watching the video Snow Falling on Cedars. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Panne, A painful read, a sad read, a good reminder. Good work. |
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tradewind Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 101 |
Panne, so much of importance in this poem using the visual and poetic with much skill very talented, enjoyed this |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
panne, i well remember this one from allpoets.com and i think i copied this down because i was so intrigued by it... i dont have the book(in which i copied all my poems) with me now but i am willing to bet that you have made some revisions to it and somehow this reads even better than when i first read it.... i liked the matter-of-fact tone within this one..its like the horrible truth clings even tighter to you when it is understated... kai  |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Thank you all for coming in to read. KaiLe, yes - this has changed - I combined Atoms of August and Metamorphose on the Ninth into one piece called Atoms in August. I did add a new thought or two too. Tho I must say it was always a "just the facts, Ma'am" piece. Glad you came back to read it - and are still moved by it. I posted a short, short piece in here for you KaiLe - called A Wasted Portion - if you haven't seen it yet - you might check it out. Smiles, Panne |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
when the flash gun accidentally fires twice in succession. On the second burst of light his image is transferred to the wall, disintegrates and disappears within the vapors along with everything around the soot that he became =========================== WOW .. what powerful and stirring imagery and descriptive writing. this is a very unique and clever piece of poetry Panne ... disturbing and haunting yet very cool. great use of presentation and form as well well done poet  oh you speak to me in riddles |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
This is excellent writing....James |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
yes, excellent is what I was thinking too...that and wow.... SEA |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
I remember this one from AllPoet's, but did you change it somewhere? The ending sounded different, but it could be that it's been awhile since I read it. Always enjoy your work With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. |
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biggestal New Member
since 2001-03-29
Posts 5rafford........scotland |
subtly deft use of imagery........were it mine there's nothing i would change......... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Excellent portrayal of humanity and its inhumaness... |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
I remember this one too Panne...was always, and still is, one of my favorites of yours. Glad to have reread it. jwesley |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Janet - Thank you so much for you critique, I truly appreciate what you saw in this. James, thank you for stopping by and reading Sea - I appreciate you input very much. Thanks again Dpoe -yes I changed it- I combined the two pieces mentioned above...but kept both originals too. Thanks for popping in again. I appreciate it. Big - thanks - for right now I don't think I will change anything tho am still not satisfied with some awkward spots(to me anyway) Sunshine - thank you - that is what I was trying for as the underlining message. Great to see it came thru... Jim- Thanks for everything. Thanks to everyone for stopping by and letting me know what you got out of this. I am very pleased that it moved everyone. Panne |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
Panne, I almost missed this. Well done! The spawn of Enola Gay was horrid even though it literally saved hundreds of thousands of American lives. The way you have captured it in verse is nothing less than masterful. Write on. Live for love. Without love, you don't live. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Panne, hey, now i know this is supposed to be a mushroom cloud and also some trivia behind its formation..cool..  |
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