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PoeticKnight
Senior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 1144
New Orleans, LA

0 posted 2001-04-19 10:05 AM

Fragile body
Fragile pieces of a former whole
Put together by lessons learned
Weaving a spell in which to hold,
All the pieces in the warmth as one

Broken mind
Broken thoughts that used to shape
A form and direction
About each, the other would drape,
Together in mutual polarity

Tortured soul
Tortured wings that fly no more
Bearing no resemblance to those which
Flew so proudly before,
Now burned by the envious sun

Changed forevermore

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

1 posted 2001-04-19 10:13 AM

Intriguing! I only had trouble with one line...the one ending in drape. Do you think would should become a contraction with the preceding word? For some reason I wanted to remove a syllable and yet it doesn't seem to be a piece tied to a meter particularly. Maybe I just need to slow down and read it better.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2001-04-19 10:16 AM

                    "Fragile pieces of a former whole
                    Put together by lessons learned"

I know this very well.....and the lessons learned are the painful ones.....hugs

SEA

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2001-04-19 10:17 AM

Not many write who leave me speechless....

this did a very good job of just that...

SpitFire
Member Elite

since 2000-04-19

Posts 2396

4 posted 2001-04-19 10:22 AM

~Gripping words you've written here. They stop me short then hold me there. Well done. *Peace.

Just A Woman
Senior Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 507

5 posted 2001-04-19 10:38 AM

Applauding! I shall echo the others. This is excellent.

"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

6 posted 2001-04-19 10:39 AM

fragile, broken and tortured...where have I learned from this before...

nice write

~Wynter

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

PoeticKnight
Senior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 1144
New Orleans, LA

7 posted 2001-04-19 10:53 AM

Thank you all so much.

VAS - I know what you mean about the meter, but the first line was trying to introduce the stanza and last line I was trying to not rhyme, but complete a thought. I thought the same thing, but it was a thought I didn't want to change, it makes some kind of sense to me.

Embers_Before_God
Member

since 2001-03-06

Posts 101
USA

8 posted 2001-04-19 11:41 AM

"mutual polarity"

I love those two words together. Very well done...Embers

Dance with me under the moon. Touch my pale skin. Devour me. Love me.

A Whisper's Caress
Senior Member

since 2000-11-03

Posts 791
on the horizon of a fairytale

9 posted 2001-04-19 11:46 AM

thunderous applause!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is outstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
breathless, absolutely breathless!!!!

May your dreams always dance to the rhythm of a lover's heartbeat...

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

10 posted 2001-04-19 01:06 PM

and this is us. . .

superb Knight. . . well done. . .

--------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Gemini
Senior Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 1203
Wisconsin, USA

11 posted 2001-04-19 02:19 PM

Very splendid write, I like it just the way it is.

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