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VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-04-11 01:03 PM

In
Virginia Salter

in
this nineteenth hour of rain
with
sky the color of concrete
yet
in the midst of the raindrops
sunlight flickers
reminding me,
that
even on gray days
the warmth and steadfastness
of Sol
is ever present
bringing to earth
that which is absent
during night’s reign
when moonlight
is
swallowed up in heaviness
of cumulus fluff
thick enough from which
to fill gramma’s quilt
three times over

©April 11, 01

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2001-04-11 02:29 PM

Panne447
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 196
S.A. TX

2 posted 2001-04-11 03:23 PM

VAS, this is a nice read but was wondering if
it wouldn't flow better and be more grammatically correct if you substitute there for the yet and put in a 'the' - like so:

in
this nineteenth hour of rain
with
the sky the color of concrete
there
in the midst of the raindrops
sunlight flickers
reminding me,
that

and maybe instead of one long run-on sentence make a bunch of statements/sentences; break it up with periods, use verbs more dynamically. Put perion after ' flickers. ' That is more than a complete thought and begin the next with "It reminds me that even on grey days ... is ever present." Then, slightly rewrite the next part to bring it into present tense and make it two complete scenes and thoughts -the 1st the "bringing to earth..." part and the 2nd - the 'cloud enuff to stuff grandma's' part. See what I mean, then you would have a more dramatic piece with 3 or 4 complete sentences describing same scene but with power; for e.g. During night's reign, moonlight swallows the sun leaving us cold and whatever.
then the next would be something like ...
And the clouds heavy with cumulus fluff thick enuf to cover the moon's rays could fill 3 of Grandma's quilts...
See what I mean? I hope that helps and it is just my opinion. Take it for what it is worth. Panne

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

3 posted 2001-04-11 08:04 PM

I really like this VAS. . .

I like the form that you've used here. . . it kind of falls down the page like the rain that you're describing. . . the words make it read wonderfully. . .

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