»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #3
»
Giving In?!
| Dark Poetry #3 |
|
Giving In?! |
|
|
qtpieelmo Senior Member
since 2000-07-04
Posts 989Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY 
|
Giving In ?! The cliff is looking smaller today. The knife is looking softer. No more do I fear guns, because my days are looking longer. The water's looking warmer. The pills are looking even better. I'm hating every minute, no matter what the weather. The noose is looking comfy. The dark is looking bright. I grit my teeth through the day, & look forward to the night. All these things seem easier, so i must get tough. I refuse to give up now, even though I've had enough. I'll hold my head up higher, & face another tomorrow. I'll make it through another day, & look past all the sorrow! ~Suicide is for the weak, an easy way out, a way to cheat~ LOVE ELMO <3  [This message has been edited by qtpieelmo (edited 07-12-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 ¢¾ KT ¢¾ - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Ginners Member
since 2000-07-22
Posts 339Mullica Hill, New Jersey |
this was good, except the ending. suicide isnt always the easy way out and it isnt always for the weak you have no idea what it is like. but you write great stuff just not this |
||
|
Dark Kisses Member
since 2001-06-24
Posts 364Flat lands of Kansas |
Yep I liked this one too. It flowed along so smoothly, I wanted to just bounce around lol  But I have to agree with Ginners on this one. It isnt always the easy way out. For some people its the most difficult decision they will ever make. (been there done that and got the UGLY  ole T-shirt ) Not saying its the correct decision, because its not. Just saying there's much more to it than just finding the *EASY* way out. Nice thoughts though, Mags Don't fear your tears! |
||
|
qtpieelmo Senior Member
since 2000-07-04
Posts 989Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY |
well obviously none of us really know what it's like because we r all still here (thank god) but i've been there many times & in my opinion it is the easy way out because if u kill yourself then all your problems r solved boom just like that instead of stuggling to make it really better-this is just my view, but if u think differently then u can explain your ideas to me because i am open & want to hear other views on this--thanx 4 replying LOVE ELMO <3 |
||
|
Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. |
Elmo, I am gratified that you encourage critique. I refuse to critique content but I will critique structure and style. I try to make my critique constructive. When I first began to read this piece, I was wondering how it had survived the moderators. It seemed at odds with the 'no glorification of suicide' policy. The cliff is looking smaller today. (as in it is easier to jump off) The knife is looking softer. (as in it won't hurt when you use it) No more do I fear guns, (as in they will solve your problem) because my days are looking longer. (as in 'endless') Do you see my confusion? But as I read on, I was confused by the conclusion. You seemed to be saying (at first) that the decision to end your life was getting easier but then it turned around at the end. I think what you are trying to convey is that while you are tempted, you remain resolute in refusing to give up on yourself. Am I reading this correctly? Perhaps an additional stanza could make the transition between temptation and resolution more accessible to the reader. As I generally write in traditional forms, I noticed the forced rhymes in the first two stanzas. I will not presume to give specific examples of how to write your poem better than you but perhaps you would like to reconsider these first two rhymes. Or to eliminate the rhyme altogether. Just suggestions, take them as you will. After all it is your work. Ian Sing while you may |
||
|
Hellseyes Member
since 2001-07-25
Posts 120Kansas, USA |
wow, good write.../Drew/ |
||
|
Engel_Dragon_Eyes New Member
since 2001-07-26
Posts 9 |
I wish more people would read this poem before doing something like that. I love how you worded everything. It was wonderful! |
||
|
qtpieelmo Senior Member
since 2000-07-04
Posts 989Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY |
Thanx Drew & Engel for replying & thank u Ian for such a great reply--it made my day brighter --i love when people criticize my work, cuz i know i'm definatly not perfect & every little word some1 sayz to me--no matter how cruel, really helps--i know this is not the best ryhme i made but i kinda liked how it tuned out, i dunno i guess i'm rebelling from the normal poetry world--lol--but trust me if i think of a better way to word it i will definatly change it, afterall i am a perfectionist & nothing is ever final(i hate it) lol Thanx again every1--I love this place!!--You all r like family to me LOVE ELMO <3[This message has been edited by qtpieelmo (edited 07-27-2001).] |
||
Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Suicide can be the easy way out ~ but it is very hard to follow through with. I know because I have been there... I was petrified, and I lived. I know now that everyday isn't as bad as the last. You learn to cope with your pain and sorrows... Great write but I too do not agree with the ending. What don't kill you can only make you stronger... |
||
|
qtpieelmo Senior Member
since 2000-07-04
Posts 989Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY |
Yes i too have ended up in the emergency room a couple times for trying to kill myself & i still hold true to my ending--it's not the only way out & only if u r weak u go through with it cuz u can't face your true problems but rather take the easy way out--no it's not an easy choice to make but it is giving up, but u think what u want i'm not here to push my opinions on u--thanx for the reply--LOVE ELMO <3  |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
