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Dark Poetry #3
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Something Grows Heavy Within
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Something Grows Heavy Within |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL 
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Sounding lonely distant hum Drums quickly nearer to my soul Letting go of hopes and thoughts To replace them with a little sorrow Which is needed Sorrow for a poet is like anything forbidden If we deprive ourselves too much Then it only makes us want more In our denial we ultimately create our destruction. ************************************************** Just for the day could I stop breathing Can this lonely fascination cease Just long enough to make the feelings stop? Why feel every single moment If only in the vanity of needing to know Something exists within. Sink Iced Deeper within And why put your hand forth for me, sir or madam? Because you feel the obligation to a dying soul? Or to compensate for some time when you didn't get or give the same? Or because you feel some responsibility for me. Why put your hand forth? Question yourself that, and then come back Perhaps then, and without hesitation Reach for me. Sink Iced Deeper still I'm cold and warm, and feel no less human for it. Cold brings the measure of anger I need While I have to go on facing. Warm brings the measure of understanding I need While I have to go on accepting and standing beside. Sink Iced Deeper I'm on the floor Leave me there I like it here Where everything swirls around And I can pretend to participate. Sink I'm watching the obstacles and bouncing off of them Deeper The pain turns colors in my head, perhaps some grace Iced Hard shell with a warm pulsating inside. Melt it..I dare you. still d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-e-d |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jennifer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
Temptress ... this is a complex work and takes a couple of reads to absorb it all ... impressive for its structure and opposed simplicity in places, because it is indeed complex ... maybe consider moving the "deeper still" to the end? ... leaving it "deeper" without the "still" forces the suspense and anticipation ... just a suggestion ...very intense work ... |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Thank you, kind sir, for your input and your reading. I am glad you liked it, and I will certainly see what I can do with your suggestions.  still d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-e-d |
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a-alibaster Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 392 |
With this I make no corrections or suggestions...for I can not...all I can say to you my dear friend is... I am completely enthralled and taken in by your words and how in-tune you are with me some times...You make my envious...wishing I had written this myself...you stated the "me" completely!! Thank you so much for just being you, for a wonderful moring read and stirring my mind.....**hugs tight* Until...ali "There is an alter ego which |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Temptress, I'm not sure what to say about this, It is a brilliant piece for sure, but it raised so many questions in my mind. Deep and intense and powerful. Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Affy, Sweetness..my dear friend. Thank you for responding to this and enjoying it, and thank you also for the morning talk. Certainly it felt good, and I felt the need to talk with an old friend. I'll be looking for those bubbles and otherwise mentioned stuff!  Kethry, An honor to have you reading my work. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and the fact that it raised questions for me is good because at least I can make someone think with it. Thanks once again. still d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-e-d |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
you're really reaching with this one. . . it goes pretty deep. . . excellent. . . -------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
I'm with Sven and the others the depths that you reached here are brilliant.. No critique from me, I love it just as it is!! *War produces one thing - Cemetaries. And in cemetaries there are no enemies!* |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Jen - Wow! If only you knew how much I relate, this is one of your best, I'm at a loss for words, very powerful and thought-provoking. In fact, you've inspired me to pen a poem~ Take care, Melissa~ [This message has been edited by Melissa Honeybee (edited 04-08-2001).] |
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Red-uni Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 192Georgia, USA |
awwww Jenn, so many feelings that I have. This is a brillantly written verse. Your friend, Red |
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