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Forgotenandgone
Member

since 2003-05-07

Posts 52
NC

0 posted 2003-06-20 06:12 PM

Walking down the road
I see a car approaching
It slowing I quickened the pace

It catching up I was hopeless
One snatch, I was gone
Gagged and tied up I sit in a room
Strange voices all around
Petrified to death I scream
All I want is to hug her once more
To cherish her smile, to hear her voice

A pain in my chest now I’m dead
Good-bye mommy I'll be waiting....

_______________________________________
Please dont cry when i die
For i will be whatching in heaven
and i dont want it to rain on my funeral...

Forgotenandgone
Member

since 2003-05-07

Posts 52
NC

1 posted 2003-06-21 03:32 PM

Any comments?

_______________________________________
Please dont cry when i die
For i will be whatching in heaven
and i dont want it to rain on my funeral...

blackandwhitehorizon
Member

since 2003-05-05

Posts 183
an akward state of mind

2 posted 2003-07-07 10:40 PM

good strong poem. seriously, good... but... nevermind... it's a good poem.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

3 posted 2003-07-09 12:54 PM

(As I walk)Walking down the road
I see a car approaching (a car approaches
It slowing I quickened the pace (it slows, I quicken)

It catching up I was hopeless (I would delete this as it is redundant)
One snatch, I was gone (I'm gone)
Gagged and tied up I sit in a room (I would remove I sit in a room - that is assumed I think

)
Strange voices all around (delete all around perhaps)
Petrified to death I scream (Petrify me to death)
All I want is to hug her once more(delete all and is)
To cherish her smile, to hear her voice (remove the two to's)

A pain in my chest now I’m dead
Good-bye mommy I'll be waiting....

I hope you don't mind my suggestions, but when I started I was given help by being told I was "too wordy" and to take out some adjectives and adverbs to reduce the text, so I tried to show that to you here.

I like the poem and the idea you were trying to convey a lot, and will watch how you writing grows over the next long while ahead.

Take care.

eor
Senior Member

since 2002-09-26

Posts 959
blues & greys

4 posted 2003-07-09 03:51 PM

i agree with mysteria, good poem, but a little wordy...but i like

"in a past life i was a woodcarver's knife: the sharpend blade of a wood cutter, the eldest son of the chief's brother: a maker of drums"

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