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Dark Poetry #3
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a_hollowman
Junior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 30
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

0 posted 2003-06-02 10:41 AM


Shadows of the Moor

The hands of the frozen dead are shaking
Fingers glacial, scraping, raking
Edging forward, full of gore
From the shadows in the darkness of the moor.

Constantly creeping, ever seeking
Ever grasping, not relaxing
Coming for me, please close the door
'Ere they get here from the shadows,
In the darkness of the moor.

It is horror now to see the corpses, stalking
Me, they come to see me quaking
As I lay here a'feared and shaking on my floor
Whilst the dead rise from the shadows,
In the darkness of the moor.


                            - a hollowman

© Copyright 2003 Stephen C.J. Lipic - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
1 posted 2003-06-02 12:03 PM


Ahh.  You know, I've always thought that people who like The Raven really just like trochaic tetrameter.  You've done an alright job of the trochaic meter here, it has that similar flow, but in a few places it's obvious that you have a somewhat limited knowledge of the form, or you're not trying to strictly follow it.  Either way, it stumbles in just a few places where the syllables stretch between stresses...

Still sounds nifty.  I think it's kind of dangerous to try and directly imitate another's form like this, because you risk making a few mistakes, but either way you've done a rather good job of this poem.  If you hadn't mentioned its relationship with "The Raven," I think a lot of people would have still noticed it with the "moor" rhyme and the meter form.

Beyond the actual format, I like the point-of-view that you've borrowed from The Raven, of the central character playing a passive role to the horrors and frights that surround him.  Just, this time it's zombies.  Kind of a modern twist you've put on the poem, hm?

It's pretty cool, overall... I like the overall creepiness.  I would have made it a little bit longer, to give the suspense more room to develop... but either way, it's well done.  

Parasite

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Eromyna
Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA
2 posted 2003-06-02 09:38 PM


Very Edgar Allen Poe. I loved reading this. You're talented.

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

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