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Innocents
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Innocents |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land 
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Thou look innocent when you sleep, deeply buried in the soil one small push on a simple button unleashes horror never seen before. will you rest again, mighty one? No one can ask as all lay smiling. Except for the pusher, tranquil in his mind he was not to witness his own mal.  |
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| © Copyright 2003 Claire Lucille - All Rights Reserved | |||
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xmutexelationx Junior Member
since 2003-05-16
Posts 15AmongstTheCharredFieldsOfSnow |
Eerie..  ..i like it! |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
lol, thank you xmutexelationx  "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Think if you're going to use the archaic english you should learn a little bit more about it. Thou look'st innocent when thou sleepest Or something of the sort. I don't really think it's appropriate when a poem bounces back and forth between "you" and "thou," especially in the same line... This is a good little writeup on how to properly use the old english style... check it out. Otherwise, I think it's a pretty good poem... I like your description of the button pushing, the people who all lay smiling... it's a neat way to describe isolation and aloneness (assuming that's what you were getting at). Parasite Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (05-17-2003 11:27 AM).] |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
well, no i was actually talking of m.a.d... what made you connect it with isolation? as for proper use of old english, i'm afraid that I'm french, the thou was just a reference to a comment made during WW1 that poetry (apart from sassoon, owen and the likes) just put a few thou's and art here and there and claimed it was poetry. "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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stupefied Junior Member
since 2003-04-26
Posts 12dead america |
wow, it's kind of creepy, but in a good way, i actually liked the way you skip from thou to you, it's kind of interesting. well, keep writing...until next time...goodbye "sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art...words can sting like anything but silence...SILENCE BREAKS THE HEART..." |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
thanks tupefield for your sweet words |
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