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Dark Poetry #3
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PoetOfDarkness2002
Junior Member
since 2002-12-06
Posts 41
Lost in my dissociative unrealistic world

0 posted 2003-04-23 10:56 AM


I haven't written in a while but got the urge to last night and need help giving it a name...
-------------------------------------
Untitled

If I were to ask you to marry me, would you?
If I were to say I love you, would you say you love me too?
If I died tomorrow would your soul die too?
Would you be insulted if I ask these questions to you?

If I was to cut myself to pieces, would you cry?
If I was to kill myself would you wonder why?
If I was in trouble would you rush to be by my side?
Would you lend your shoulder if I needed to cry?

If I were to let you,
would you see the pain in my eyes?
If I was to be totally open with you,
Would the struggles that are unknown to you be a surprise?

If I was unsafe would you take me away
And bring me to a place where there'd be brighter days?
Would you take me to a church so that I could become your wife?
Would you do anything you could to make me feel alright?

The Answers to these questions are nowhere in sight
But I know I'd die a happy woman if I could have you for just one night.


(c) Amanda Becker

~*Manda*~

© Copyright 2003 Amanda L. Becker - All Rights Reserved
BrokenDreams
Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425
In The Clouds
1 posted 2003-04-23 12:08 PM


I like this and titles..."would You?" sorry I'm really not very good with titles.
Jenni

To hate you must first have loved.

PoetOfDarkness2002
Junior Member
since 2002-12-06
Posts 41
Lost in my dissociative unrealistic world
2 posted 2003-04-23 12:12 PM


thank yous....would you sounds like a feasible title...will think about it...thanks for replying!

~*manda*~

MellonCollie
Member
since 2003-04-11
Posts 117
Austria,Europe
3 posted 2003-04-23 12:17 PM


i love that one...sorry i don't know a title, while reading i also had would you in my mind...but that sounds kinda boring and unimaginative...but grea´t poem, even without a title  

how will i laugh tomorrow
when i can't even smile today

[This message has been edited by MellonCollie (04-23-2003 12:17 PM).]

PoetOfDarkness2002
Junior Member
since 2002-12-06
Posts 41
Lost in my dissociative unrealistic world
4 posted 2003-04-23 12:24 PM


thank you....normally if i know what my feelings are when i write poems i know what i'll name it...but when i wrote this i didnt quite know what i was feeling...thankx again for replying..

~*manda*~

edh
Member
since 2003-03-26
Posts 111

5 posted 2003-04-23 03:42 PM


I think "Would You" would be a good title too.
Kahlil
Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881

6 posted 2003-04-23 08:16 PM


How 'bout "Would You Stay Tonight?"
PoetOfDarkness2002
Junior Member
since 2002-12-06
Posts 41
Lost in my dissociative unrealistic world
7 posted 2003-04-23 11:19 PM


Thank you, would you would be sensible to name it tho it sounds blah....would you stay tonight sounds more interesting tho i am not sure if one can do so many things in a night....lol...so i am thinking about "would you stay"

~*Manda*~

Kahlil
Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881

8 posted 2003-04-24 09:14 AM


Yes!  That's it!
PoetOfDarkness2002
Junior Member
since 2002-12-06
Posts 41
Lost in my dissociative unrealistic world
9 posted 2003-04-24 01:25 PM



hehe...YAY!


~*Manda*~

A. L. Becker
Member
since 2002-09-06
Posts 167
San Francisco, California
10 posted 2003-04-28 02:26 AM


Yes, i vote for "Would You Stay" too.
stupefied
Junior Member
since 2003-04-26
Posts 12
dead america
11 posted 2003-04-28 04:58 PM


great poem! i like it a lot. it has a lot of emotion to it. while i was reading it i came up with several titles...i don't think any of them are too good but the best one i could think of would be "what would you do?" it's kinda boring but i think "would you" would fit just perfectly! anyways great poem!

"sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art...words can sting like anything but silence...SILENCE BREAKS THE HEART...

Fariegirl
Member
since 2003-02-05
Posts 147

12 posted 2003-05-03 04:39 PM


if.... I guess that would work

IcyFlamez89
Member
since 2003-02-14
Posts 292
Jersey City NJ
13 posted 2003-05-03 06:02 PM


I really liked this. As for the title, you can stem out of the obvious and make it like: "Questions of Fate" or "Wishing Soul" or anything ethereal. The title gives it appeal and is what attracts readers to delve more into your poems. A dull  title can turn away readers. Many great poems are unnoticed due to that.

[This message has been edited by IcyFlamez89 (05-03-2003 06:02 PM).]

ljossberir
Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 81
Ny, USA
14 posted 2003-05-04 05:06 AM


I don't know, would you is well fitting of the poem, but I agree Amanda it is rather blahhh
The speaker is either wondering what the other would answer or demanding answers to questions.. so how about something with a bit more vitality, perhaps something like Speak up!  ...
eh... I suppose thats not really better than would you, after all. But it's a possibility.
Just my 2 cents.
Nice poem though!

j-oh-E
Member
since 2003-05-01
Posts 59
Texas, USA
15 posted 2003-05-05 02:52 PM


how about "Asleep But Awake" thats what I thought when I read your poem.
teenpoet
Member
since 2001-10-17
Posts 280
Michigan
16 posted 2003-05-05 03:07 PM


Yeah the would you title seems to be fairly well...boring but it suits it.  or maybe "If I...Would You?"  I don't know.  I suck at the title thing,  basically at poetry altogether but the would you thing seems to fit.
JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
17 posted 2003-05-06 04:42 AM


I love to think up titles...although that doesn't quarantee I'm good at it...
My suggestion is "Can I Ask You A Question"...seems a little crazy doesn't it?
James

Sonic
Junior Member
since 2003-05-06
Posts 13
Victoria, Australia
18 posted 2003-05-06 01:53 PM


Heart struggle

loved this - good job

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