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Sock
Junior Member

since 2000-11-27

Posts 10
Australia

0 posted 2003-01-05 11:59 PM

What do you want!
Go away!
I don't care,
Nor do I feel.

I don't want to put the smile on my face,
That you are obviously searching for.
I don't want to believe in goodness.
Please! Just leave me here to cover myself in darkness.
For today at least.

My heart and soul
(Or are they one and the same?)
They are tired of,
Smiling,
Hoping,
Dreaming,
Just to have them ripped away.

If I growl and bite the hand that offers kindness,
I apologise,
I only ask for you to understand,
Cause I'm not ready to step outside of this darkness.
To believe in peace and love,
To believe in miracles.

Right now,
I can't bring myself to feel or care,
Cause if I do,
I'd most certainly brake.

Hi Everyone,
I want your honest comments about this one. I'm aware that I can not write terribly well (My school marks reflected that.) But what would make this poem have more impact or flow correctly?

Thanks
Sock

[This message has been edited by Sock (01-06-2003 12:17 AM).]

LADY_DEATH
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 105
Fl

1 posted 2003-01-06 11:10 AM

Sometimes it's hard to see the light when you have lived in the dark for so long.I know.But a wonderful expression of words in this poem!

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

2 posted 2003-01-17 06:25 AM

sock,
heartwrenching expression in this piece, keep writing. One small negative comment the spelling of "break" should be like this.

Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Dark Kisses
Member

since 2001-06-24

Posts 364
Flat lands of Kansas

3 posted 2003-01-18 12:06 PM

I enjoyed this one. I believe that if you write what you feel and from your heart, than it is never a *bad* write. Some might just not be able to read it as it is meant to be read in your own eyes. Over time your expressions will start to flow more smoothly.

Keep writing...

SPIRIT
Senior Member

since 2002-12-29

Posts 1745
California Desert

4 posted 2003-01-20 07:44 PM

I enjoyed this, interesting write. Your very first line is a question, I believe 'What do you want?' the spelling of the word 'break' already pointed out, well then I certainly would give you a passing grade. None of us can read it quite the same way as you or in the manner you would like, it is your passion, your autograph and I can but say WELL DONE.

Happiness comes from kindness.
Happiness cannot come from hatred or anger.
Dalai Lama

Chameleon
Member

since 2002-08-07

Posts 99
Australia

5 posted 2003-01-21 08:58 AM

just like vanilla yoghurt with a sprinkle of parsley.

lorenlynn
Member

since 2003-01-27

Posts 203
California Beaches

6 posted 2003-01-27 06:41 PM

I'm new and just feeling my way around, but I liked this one very much.

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