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Dark Poetry #3
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WhiteRose
Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-09-22 06:15 PM



I'm amid the blue of funk,
slowly circling
ever clear
the day of drear
that is your own.

Are you prone
prostrate in the depth
gasping for breath
again
my friend?

How much of me
do you claim
to own
as payment
for lengthy list
of sin?

Do you think
it your right
into my life,
and I as wife
must lay before
and sin no more?

Yet still drag
the chains you
put upon?

I grow weary
of blue mood
while you're in
the midst of brood.

Only fitting
two worlds
so similar
now make up
the together of us.

WhiteRose


© Copyright 2002 Anne Thompson - All Rights Reserved
stranger_than_fiction
New Member
since 2002-09-22
Posts 1

1 posted 2002-09-22 08:29 PM


Wow,
Being were I am right now, I really feel this. The only thing I could suggest is to try a revision or two with a more formal verse style. Some of the end rhymes are begging for a more symetric scheme.

ie. life/wife, depth/breath, mood/brood, etc.

Something in pentameter or alexandrine would make it go a little slower instead of slamming you into the next verse too.

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

2 posted 2002-09-23 05:42 PM


I like how words fall forward and fall apart in this poem.
Formal verse structure would just tie this up in a straitjacket.
Sometimes it's good to let the crazies roam free.

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