Dark Poetry #3 |
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The Together |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon ![]() |
I'm amid the blue of funk, slowly circling ever clear the day of drear that is your own. Are you prone prostrate in the depth gasping for breath again my friend? How much of me do you claim to own as payment for lengthy list of sin? Do you think it your right into my life, and I as wife must lay before and sin no more? Yet still drag the chains you put upon? I grow weary of blue mood while you're in the midst of brood. Only fitting two worlds so similar now make up the together of us. WhiteRose |
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© Copyright 2002 Anne Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
stranger_than_fiction New Member
since 2002-09-22
Posts 1 |
Wow, Being were I am right now, I really feel this. The only thing I could suggest is to try a revision or two with a more formal verse style. Some of the end rhymes are begging for a more symetric scheme. ie. life/wife, depth/breath, mood/brood, etc. Something in pentameter or alexandrine would make it go a little slower instead of slamming you into the next verse too. |
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bsquirrel![]()
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I like how words fall forward and fall apart in this poem. Formal verse structure would just tie this up in a straitjacket. Sometimes it's good to let the crazies roam free. ![]() |
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